Saturday, December 24, 2011
An Apology for an Affair with Alcohol
I am writing you this letter to clear the air and remove a burden that has been on my heart for many years. When I first met you that cold November day in North Carolina I knew you were someone special. Your smile and the light of your eyes warmed my soul that day and I wanted to tell you how you made me feel, but I couldn’t. I hid away a lot of things that day and in the months and years that followed. I told you right away about my estranged wife and the daughter I left behind in Texas. I told you of my plans I had of being an English teacher after my service in the Marine Corps was over. I only wish now I would have told you then, about my addiction to alcohol, then perhaps we could have saved ourselves from the heartache we are feeling now.
I remember the first night you saw me drink. Someone had purchased several bottles of alcohol for me and I knew I would lose control that night. That is why I asked you to hold on to my wallet. I just didn’t know how bad I would lose control. I am truly sorry that you had to stay up and watch me, to ensure I would not aspirate on my own vomit, that night.
Months rolled past and gradually we lost touch with each other as people sometimes do, but I feel now that the universe had other plans for us. You came back into my life suddenly and again, although we were thousands of miles apart, you lit up my world as only you can do. The letters we shared were magical and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, but I did not give up the love I had for alcohol. The times my letters seemed more and more infrequent I am sorry to say were due to my addiction.
Many nights I would give up the chance to talk to you on the phone, just so I could stay in my room and drink and for those nights where I lost the chance to hear the love in your voice, rather than read it in your words, I am sorry.
Again we lost we lost touch with one another and again the universe would not let us stay apart. I was so nervous the day I picked you up at the bus station. At last after two and a half years we were together again. Your love should have been enough for me to remain sober but I think by that point I was beyond hope. I’m sorry for time I got drunk and told you I didn’t need you. I am sorry for the night my friends and I broke all the dishes in the house while we were drinking. I am sorry that I was drinking when I proposed to you. I am sorry for the nights you wanted me all to yourself and I chose to drink and pass out instead.
I am glad that you and I were married that February day in Texas. I am sorry that I drank on our honeymoon. I am sorry for the nights you had to work and I was passed out when you came home. I regret the nights that I was to drunk to hold you in my arms and show you the love that you deserved.
I don’t know how to say this to you so I will just say it. I have cheated on you for our entire marriage. My mistress, the alcohol that took so many nights away from you, cost me so many things. I have lost your love and trust and now must slowly gain them back. I’m sorry for the nights I spent with her, instead of laying in bed with you and loving you like I have always wanted to. I want you to know that you had no part in my alcoholism other than being on the receiving end of my addiction. Like a teenager in love, I thought about my lover all the time. ALL THE TIME. I can’t take back the past. The things I said that hurt you were to hide the true nature of my alcoholism. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem even though you tried to point it out to me and I am sorry it took almost 13 years of our marriage for me to realize how bad I had become and to seek the help that I am receiving now. I am sorry for all the empty promises I gave you over the years that I would quit drinking, I hope that someday you will be able to see that this time I am serious about quitting and I am sorry it has to be this way but I am doing this for me so that one day I can become the man that you deserve.
I love you more today than I have in all the days that have passed,