He is in My Heart

Today I gave a presentation on Hezzie. It was for the children in his program to better understand him and how his brain works. I had asked that parents be present, and well none stayed. The one kids nanny was there, she is always there. I think it went pretty well, but one kid was being a bit rude.
It was hard to put the presentation together. Not technically hard, but emotionally. As  parent/caregiver I know all these things about my child, but when it's ALL there in front of you it hits you in a certain way. A way that just makes your heart kind of leap out of your chest and sink all at the same time.

I could see at some point it was becoming hard for my two children who were in class. They didn't look embarrassed or uncomfortable, just sad. They've said some of the kids have made fun of Hezzie when he is not around. It is upsetting for them. They know Hezzie is not what someone would consider an ideal student, but they have always known what he as been through. But, it's not just the kids making this transition hard. I will leave it at that.

Lately Hezzie has been extra cuddly. Oh, it warms my heart. He comes up and covers us both up with his Star Wars comforter on the couch. We will sit there and read, or just watch TV. That is another thing, he is now wanting me to read to him more. I love reading to him. Now he is trying more to read. He has already earned two awards at the county library and we are working on some other reading challenges, most of the kids are. They are actually pretty fun to do.

I am exited for the day he is reading completely on his own.

Love, Momma

You Smell

Today I had an initial IEP meeting for Hezekiah. I knew that him being enrolled in a charter school was going to change things, I just not know it was going to be so hard. That hard part has been him transitioning. He is overstimulated and overwhelmed. The program director of the enrichment site is having a hard time with him, and frankly does not seem to be understanding. He is not attending one of the days he is supposed to be because of that. He really isn't even aware he is not wanted there.

The other kids seem to be doing okay. Joaquin is often frustrated with feeling like the site director is answering questions for him. Oh, the life of someone with Autism. I hope that gets worked out soon.

The stress and anxiety of all this is very frustrating. I have thought about throwing in the towel and going back to a private school affidavit. You know hour to two hour commutes to therapy sessions. Running out of food because traffic is bad, and loads of gas money. But, then there is comfort of low stress and virtually no anxiety. It would just be another sudden change in our life.

Right now I just want some blankets, my tv and nachos. I guess I can settle for something else to eat. Time to quiet the mind and the worry.

Love
Momma

Coming Around

My middle four kids, they started an enrichment program through a charter school last month. For three of them it's been a good experience, for Hezekiah it's been a bit of a roller coaster. I have to sit in class with him due to his behavior. It's rough seeing your child struggle. Academically he's doing well, socially and behaviorally he's been challenging.i won't go into specifics, but he's being asked not to attend one day of the program.

Between the struggles I class, constant IEP and special education phone calls....I started to lose myself. I wasn't even brushing my hair often enough. It wasn't depression, but a constant sense of anxiety. Every time I've taken him to class  I've battled anxiety to the point I feel like  my body is revolting against me. 

Friday it came to a head, when I was told he was going to be asked not to attend Monday's. I had to walk out of the class and I broke down sitting inside of my van. I'm thankful I had my anxiety medication on me, and when I was calm I called my husband.

I am feeling much better. I've remembered to use my tool bag and practice self care. 

To all you mommas and poppas, take care of yourself. You're important, too.

Love, 

Momma