Magic Mike and Standards

Through an online friend (who is pretty amazing) I ran across a blog post that has me thinking. Thinking about the standards some women hold their men up to, in the name of righteousness. In the blog post she had a picture of John Wayne. She says he is handsome and had dignity. Lady, do your research. John Wayne was married three times and had several PUBLIC affairs.

Nobody is perfect and even in the Bible it states we all fall short. That lovely and I am sure well meaning array of photos, it's dangerous. To hold the men in your life to standards they may unfitting or to put them on a throne they may fall from, could slap you in the face. You have no idea what has, is or will go through these mens minds. Of course it's more unintentional then not when they look and see some lady with a tight shirt and think "Damn I wish her bra wasn't padded." or even see some lady with her grey sweats folded down and think her butt look like it needs to be smacked. These things happen.

With older people, you don't know their whole stories, just the ones they share. Really, with anyone. I know there are many people who don't know that when Jimmy and I met her was married. Jimmy also GASP! had a child. That does not make either one of us bad people, it makes us HUMAN! Here we are all these years later with our sixth kid on the way. We have healthy sexual lives and a healthy fantasies. Granted most of our fantasies will never come to fruition (sigh oh Benjamin Bratt circa Blood In Blood Out). We are open enough to share these things and learn. We can even laugh, yes laugh about sex because it's normal. Bibilcally speaking, read Song of Solomon and get some moves.

Now on to your "a good man list"...here is mine.

A Good Man Will

• tell you when you're being judgmental.
• when you're being mental...from a distance.
• have his own thoughts and feelings.
• tell you when your armpits or breathe smell (or any other body part).
• tell you he wishes you would of made dinner since he worked in 110* weather.
• forgive you when your heart has wandered.
• tell his and your parents that they are being nuts.
• get sober for his benefit not YOURS.
• read books he likes, not the ones you do.
• use your deodorant and tooth brush in a crisis.
• look at other women and laugh when you catch them.
• admits he has faults and well as admit you do.
• love you when you're crazy, even when you know you are and deny it.
• call you on your bull shit and let you call you on his.
• be honest, be real and make his own standards.

Yeah, my husband is a real man. A real man with real flaws, real feelings, real ideas and a real crazy wife.

Where Did The Week Go?

To say that I have not been so busy in my life, is in no way a stretch of the truth. Between daily meetings, volunteering, doctors appointments and such...I can hardly find time to nap. Okay, that last part is a lie, I do nap. I am up no later than 4:30 am to start my day and smell fresh coffee brewing (thanks Jimmy).
The kids had an amazing week last week. They spent quite a bot a time with daddy on Thursday and Friday while I was volunteering at Jimmy's treatment center with the family program they run. It was really nice to help what little I did, mostly greeting and participating in the event itself. This is something I am hoping to continue to do.

We put our rings back on, nearly 18 months to the date after removing them. Does this mean everything is perfect? No. However, we are working hard and becoming more understanding of what it means to be married to flawed individuals. Some days I think God has filling me with patience, not to say I do not get frustrated. His memory and attentions span is still something I am working on living with. I've decided that if he walks out of the room mid-conversation instead of yelling, I'll text him. Seems to work if he feels his phone buzzing.

Speaking of Jimmy...he celebrated 90 days sober on Sunday. He said 60-90 was the hardest. I am just glad he is doing this for himself, not because I was insistent or because he was sent by a court. He is working his program to the best of his ability. I hope he knows how much he has made our life different and better. Besides his program he is working with his psychiatrist on uncovering underlying issues. He is noticing his actions and thoughts more, and working on correcting them when he can.

Life has become a series of daily accomplishments....

Love
Momma

Saturday

It was a nice peaceful Saturday! Morning meeting was a nice book study. We had a nice day overall. We are getting into a better rhythm, so much so...there has been no arguing between us and we are communicating quite well.
Jimmy's psychiatrist put him out of work until March 9th. We shall see if this leads to a new beginning in more than one way. In my heart I know it is. There is so much ahead of us and a day at a time we will live much happier lives. A life of peace, grace and acceptance.
We made a nice park trip yesterday and everyone but, momma hill rolled. That was so fun to watch.
We don't have a whole lot but, we have more than enough.

Love,
Momma and her tribe

Frustration. Memory and Broken Trust

I don't know where to begin without sounding like an intolerable hag. I love my husband, I do so very much. No, I am not saying that to convince myself that I do...I honestly love every broken part of his being. All those puzzle pieces face down...I am trying to help him piece them together. It's a slow and frustrating process.
We have had some "conversations" recently about a couple things. He on his own volition promised he would not contact a certain rehab friend but, would respond to her and be nice. No problem on that, then he did. This morning first thing my trust was crushed. It's a sticky situation and his memory is so bad...sometimes I don't know if he honestly forgets things or is being a jerk. Another situation is that, there are rumors going around that facility about us and two young people who walked out of rehab. We helped one of them get to the sober living home, retrieve her medications and personal products. Now it's going around that we have them living in our home and that drug use it happening. Ummm no this is not at all what is going on. Both are very nice young people, we love them and if there was suspect of use we would ask them. Because, of said rumors Jimmy was told it was not a good idea for him to volunteer there. He contacted a few people, he told myself and a friend if and when the air was cleared he would not spend his time in a place that basically perpetuates gossip. Then today he was gung-ho about it...and I went over the edge. Yes, you might think that is crazy. But, after this morning it was just too much. Broken trust twice...over two things he did not remember saying.
His memory is so bad, and I have learned could take years to return. So, I get to decipher when he breaks my trust is it intentional or is it memory loss. If he could see why the frustration and hurt occurs without thinking I am crazy, life would be so much easier. But, nothing amazing in my life has come easy...nor his.
The poor guy is going through so much.(I will blog on that tomorrow) He is doing his part, making meetings, working his steps and he has a sponsor. Where's mine? Oh wait Al-Anon was crazy. With all of this going on his has numerous people reaching out to him and I have people walking away. Isn't life grand?
If I had one wish it would be for him to have memory, good memories, bad memories whatever just so he'd remember and not get frustrated.

Love
Momma

Cuddles, Chess and a Date

I woke up early this morning, showered, got dressed and went back to bed. While Jimmy went to AA, Waylon snuggled with me...Go Team Orange. It was quiet and very peaceful as we lied in bed listening to mediation music.

When Jimmy returned home he played chess with Dexter. The kids are in a chess club on Friday evenings. After their match Hezzie wanted a go. Dexter taught him how to place the pieces and the names. He periodically took out the board and pieces
to try and set the board up. I find this very adorable.

Jimmy and I had our first monthly date. Something he promised himself we would do. It was simple and lovely. We went to Subway and the to a nearby Starbucks. We chatted and played tic tac toe. We had hot drinks and read On The Road. It was pretty uneventful but, was a good time.

Subway and Starbucks make a great date!!

I am still fighting and ear infection. I have had garlic in my ears, so my eyes have been watery...so no makeup today. This is our mandatory date photo.

When we came home the kids were all napping. We went into the room where we sat upon our queen size bed. Jimmy played his guitar and sang to me. It was like we were still on our date til kids started coming in. They gave us hugs and kisses. Life is good.

Jimmy played his guitar over FaceTime on the iPhone with Maggie. She sat up my iPad so she could hear Jimmy sing about how much she loves Sonic and drawing wolves. She danced.

Sunday we good, it was peaceful and a wonderful way to start the week.

Love
Momma and her tribe

DOCTORS!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was filled with so many doctors appointments, or so it seemed. Maggie went to see her psychiatrist. That went well,s he was awake this time and even talked to him. This was a big step for her. She is adjusting well to her medications, I have to say we are blessed she didn't have to switch them so much.
She is so fun loving and energetic now. She is much more happy and full of life. So glad these steps were taken.

Jimmy and I had appointments. This is us waiting. So glad he came along....I am not fond of pap smears and have been known to get anxious. I know I am 35 and I still need my hand help, and possibly a lollypop
.

Can you see how scared I was? For good reason, that lady poked at my rectum without my permission. How dare she? Is this something new? It's only been five years since my last one.

We had a good laugh after it was all said and done. Now we have the daunting task of fasting bloodwork.
How was your Thursday?

Love
Momma and her tribe

Cleaning House and Spelling Games

I moved my couch and cleaned so much. I think this opens the living room up so much more so we can be fully engaged. I can not wait to find a picture for the wall so we can take that broken TV off of it. Woke up one morning to lines, no cracks just lines.
Apparently the cold day was reason for bath tub swimming, this is why Hezzie and Maggie are in their swim clothes. The played in a warm bath for a bit and then came out to dry off in the sun coming through the living room windows. I love when the kids do things like this. They tend to try and make the best of everything.

This guy right here, he has tried for a week to patch numerous holes in our air mattress. We have guests coming for about a week or so. They will be getting a new one for their use. We didn't want to have to do that.
Jimmy played his guitar for a bit as we all winded down for the evening. We had some good conversation and I got a few things off my chest. That was rather nice.

I snapped this photo of Maggie playing Words With Friends against me. She loves words...

Hope you have a great Tuesday.

Love,
Momma and her tribe

An Open Letter to Dexter (and Daddy)

Dear Dexter (and Daddy),

First, I want to say how much I love you both. Granted the love of a child and the love of a lover is different, they are both very strong.
When Dexter was born, he was lucky enough that at that time Daddy was sober. He was in what seemed a clear head. I remember when he held you, his first son, his second child in his arms. His eyes glistened and relief was on his face. He vowed to show you a life of love, laughter and everything he thought he was missing. Everything, we thought we were missing growing up.
When we had you, we thought we'd just have you and Stephanie. Doctors had told me when I lost "baby Gavin" that, I could not have kids and so you were that miracle. We watched over you like a hawk or we became "helicopter parents". We were that precious stone I never wanted and all I wanted at the same time. It's no secret up until I was told I could not have kids, I had no desire for them.
We had a song for you when you were a baby....

As they years went on, you wanted to be more like daddy. We had more kids and Daddy spent more time one on one with you. I always had Joaquin and Maggie was a baby. When Daddy started to dress like a cowboy, you did, too. It was the cutest thing ever, despite my dismay for hate with overly curvy bills that reminded me of a baby bonnet.

We did a lot of family things in your early days. As daddy began working more you fought harder to be like him. You listened to the music he liked, read the books he recommended and was happy when he came home. For awhile, it would be days you would not see him. His job at the time had him gone from before sunrise and home well after sunset.

I remember during times of sobriety we'd get into things fast and hard. One of the things was Star Wars costuming. I honestly wish we had not given it up. Those costumes were a common thread that held us together.
You started noticing more, just how much your daddy was drinking. You saw him passing out and vomiting. I tried for years to be strong. I tried not crying over it
and put my focus on you and your siblings. But, it scared me how much you wanted to be like him. Even pretending your rootbeer was beer...and your dad getting mad about it. Wondering why on earth you'd do such a thing.

It's because, you were watching him. You were idealizing a man you thought you wanted to be. A man, you later grew to despise. A man, you would scream and yell at when he'd get a drunk. A man whose beer you'd dump out when he passed out. A man who made your momma cry. A man you already had to babysit if I went somewhere. A man who broke promises. A man who lied. A man despite it all I know you still love.

But, you can't think of the bad things. Yes, you remember them and perhaps on day those memories will fade. But, that person you saw was not your dad in control. That was a man whose disease had taken over. A man whose choice became a need greater than anything else in life. He was "James" not Jimmy during that time. You need to forgive and look ahead at what's to come. He never stopped loving you, he just could not convey it. He brain was taken over and his body and heart suffered greatly.
Who you see now, is that dad you had when we went to Comi-Con. Remember that guy? The guy who laughed and dressed silly? The one who gave you your first guitar and showed you your first chords? The guy who took you to see Buzz Lightyear in person? That's your dad. Remember that, hold on to that and look at him in the eyes and see.


Love,
Momma