10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 3/3

This will actually be 3/4. Number 10 is a big one and may be long. I will be working on it for tomorrow.

7. Community Involvement

Since I was old enough to volunteer and be out in the community I was. I would volunteer and be in community groups. It was honestly out of my comfort zone and even as an adult I would be awkward and out of place....nonetheless I would do it. I was in the recent past involved in a community garden and two other community groups. All except the community garden only took me out of the home once or twice a month. I'd get random comments like "I guess I will stay home with the kids." He knew good and well the kids and him were welcomed to be involved in this programs. I even took Maggie to a couple of the groups meetings. She was a hit. But, over time little comments and faces got to me, I gave in and gave these wonderful things up.
I am planning on rejoining these groups and being involved as much as I can, and hopefully bringing my family a long. Again, these walls house me but, don't make me.

8.Driving Long Distances

This one is a doozy. When I was younger and first had my license I would drive all over the place. I remember being in Kansas and even getting lost on a highway once, quite the treat. When I moved to North Carolina I drove quite a bit as well. In fact I was a driver in the Marines and got to navigate 5 tons on two lane highways in the rain. When we moved to Texas I would drive to the lake when I was pregnant with Dexter by myself just to get away. I would lay and sun soak my growing belly. Life was amazing, I was free.
Little suggestions about driving too far away was dangerous for me, or pointing out that I get tired when I drive...I stopped driving anywhere over an hour away, I tend to get anxiety now. But, no more....adventures await me and I am looking forward to them.

9. Travel

This goes a long with the last one. But, we'd suddenly not have the money for that special trip to Pennsylvania I have planned every year for about 10 years. But, we'd have beer, cigarettes and dip. Such a pain and all I say is...I am packing my bags and ready to go and see the world..or the country.

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 2/3

4. Being a daughter.
When we first ventured to California to live. We lived with my mom and so we spent a great deal of time with her. Every Saturday, I would take my dad lunch at the church he did landscaping at. When we moved over the hill, I would see my mom during the day often because, she works locally. I would still take my dad lunch and even visit him. As the drinking got worse money became tight. Visits even in town were down tremendously. It seems the worse his drinking was, the less either parent would visit...and yet, neither one knew. I would confide in him how hurt I was efforts on their parts were not being made...time and time again he'd urge me to "just let go"...it's obvious that a certain parent did not care for me much. So, tearfully I have done so time and time again.
I am going to be reaching my hand out again, one parent in particular and I have a strained relationship. Once I told my husband being married to him was like being married to that particular parent. Every time I'd think everything was good....something bad was pointed out. The other parent, well works quite a bit and randomly calls and stops by. So, I am going to do the same.

2. Being A Sister
This is a tough one. I was never entirely close to any of my siblings except my oldest brother who is five years my junior. Over the years I have tried to offer support and encouragement for their situations. Offered my ear when they have needed it. Again I would confide in my husband how I felt they were embarrassed of me...again he encouraged me to cut the ties with said siblings I know mist of them think he is an ass or stuck up. But, like my parents none of them knew just how bad his drinking was.
I am going to try and be a better sister. I am going to put myself out there again, knowing it could end up the same. But, like isn't about taking the easy road...well, not for me.

3.Being a friend.
I always thought I was such a horrible friend. I mean at the rate that they pull away from me...I would have to be. Basically, it comes down to this. No longer will I stay just in the walls of my home. There is no reason for me to be made to feel guilty for having that time away. There is no reason on this earth that I should not be able to be the loving, caring friend I once was. Obviously though if I feel you have used or decieved me in some way, I will say something. Real friends should be able to be honest with each other and learn to see, not all of friendship is puppy dogs and ice cream. Real friendship can be ugly at times, and if shit gets heavy....a real friendship should be strong enough to tread through it back to the ice cream and sunshine. Real friendship isn't a one way street, it's arms extending both ways...I will not have that taken away from me.

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 1/3

For the most part these are not things he directly told me I had to do. But, as a friend of mine told me early these things are what addicts and alcoholics do. I wonder though, if they always do it conscientiously. This will be a three part series. I will name the thing I gave up, how it was lead away from me and how I am gaining it back.

1. My independence.
I was once a very independent girl, woman or what have you. I lived on my own and worked at a young age. I joined the military before I graduated and left everything I knew behind without a second thought. Never, asked for help and made sure I could find a way to make my way. I could go and do things alone without a second thought.
Over the years I was slowly lead to believe I could not do much without his help. From doing laundry to cleaning house, from changing a tire to painting walls, it was all things he had to do for me, and complain about it.
I am fighting to get that back. Being co-dependent is a hard habit to break and frankly quite ridiculous.
2. Consistent Creative Writing
This is something I have always loved to do. Ever since I could form a written sentence I would write. From short stories to really bad poetry, I was always writing. For much of my youth and into my early 20's I was known for carrying a notebook and a writing instrument of some sort, recording thoughts and feelings.
I guess over the years I have become weak minded and took too much from little comments. Comments about my grammar and the silliness of such things, scoffs and looks of disappointment on his face, read to me that it was foolish to pursue such things. I think the worse is when a notebook of mine was taken over by him for his own unfinished writings.
Last year I picked it up again at the encouragement of a friend I had reconnected with. I have made a promise to myself to free write and I use my writings for various things. Besides this blog, I write about music and review books, that combines other passions with my passion for writing.
3. Painting
I was never an amazing painter, nor was I ever given a blue ribbon at a fair but, I loved painting. Mostly I did acrylic paintings but, oils is where my heart feels joy. Mixing of colors and texture upon the gritty canvas brought such music and release to my soul. I took this up when I took art at my first high school. I continued on mostly with acrylics after I graduated and even, did some watercolors when I was in the Marines. Color makes me happy, it may sound ridiclous to some, but it's a mood lifter.
I stopped painting quite some time ago for various reasons of my own. A few years back my dad cleaned out the locker in his garage. There were treasures to be found, hidden on the bottom of it water damaged the colors were still vibrant. There they were given to me...canvases from my days as a teenage artist (or so I fancied myself). This brought back some spirit in me, a new kindling of an old love so to speak. I talked my way into an oil set and he bought me it and two small canvases.
I put on some hand me down jeans I cut into shorts, I didn't want oils on my dresses. I closed my eyes and I saw a big lush tree on a moon and starlit hill....I painted it. I spent a few days getting the colors and textures just right. When I was finished I got a blank stare and when I asked to purchase more canvases, I was told money was short...but, we bought beer.
With the new year on the horizon I am going to put money aside for things like this. Not just for me but, for my kids. No need for passions to sit silently in ones heart.


to be continued.....

Love,
Momma

Prepping for a New Year

It's obvious this family has had quite a chaotic year. Between battling addiction, being on tv , getting kids in and out of doctors, hospital visits and wandering hearts...it's a wonder we've managed to stay intact. In reality we have not been a whole family for a year until recently. I felt like I have lost a whole year of family. Oh man, that was really hard to type but, it's reality it is what it is.
I took on the task of cleaning our house, as thorough as I can before the first. Devoting myself to one room at a time while praying over it. This is a test as for some time this year my personal relationship with God has been strained. I felt if God really loved me why would I be put through such things, I should know better. So, I am getting back on track with a few things in regards to that.
I tackled the kitchen as best as I could. My hips and tailbone paid for sure. I ended up in a ho shower later in the evening after dinner. The cold weather and second menstrual cycle in a month has left everything from the waist down riddle with aches and pains. Trying birth control as well as left my stomach and brain a mess. I feel like I have the flu and am so emotional I cry everyday.
I played Barrel of Monkey's with Hezekiah on one cleaning break and we ate lunch outside since the kitchen was our of commission. It was a productive day.

And because I can...



Love,
Momma and her tribe

Oh, What a Christmas!

Dexter and his Mario Bros. pajamas.



Joaquin and his Batman pajamas



Maggie and her Ni hao Kai Lan pajamas.



Waylon and his Buzz Lightyear pajamas.



Hezekiah and his Buzz Lightyear pajamas.

This turned out to be a good Christmas for the kids after all. The kids were able to have their Christmas Eve pajamas thanks to my friend Stephanie. They were so happy to see them when they were unwrapped. What can I say, we are blessed. My mother and sister Charlotte each got them a gift which was wonderful.
Earlier in the week Jimmy's parents sent money for gifts and such. We were able to get them a few more gifts than I had already purchased plus, stockings and stuffers...paper and what not. With all that had gone on this month I was unsure of what we'd have under the tree. But, I had put some money aside had some things made and hit K-Mart sales myself. One item was part of a bag of things a friend had given me. Such small blessings make for good memories.
We had a ham dinner with the fixings. Dairy free and gluten free except for the rolls. Trying to make things easy for Joaquin.
I've been in a great deal of physical pain and spent most of my day in bed. Jimmy made dinner and looked after the kids. He made a volcano with Waylon, played games and Polly Pockets. Christmas is about family and I am blessed to have a growing one that does not always include blood relation.

Merry Christmas,
Momma and her tribe

An Apology for an Affair with Alcohol

Dearest Anita.



I am writing you this letter to clear the air and remove a burden that has been on my heart for many years. When I first met you that cold November day in North Carolina I knew you were someone special. Your smile and the light of your eyes warmed my soul that day and I wanted to tell you how you made me feel, but I couldn’t. I hid away a lot of things that day and in the months and years that followed. I told you right away about my estranged wife and the daughter I left behind in Texas. I told you of my plans I had of being an English teacher after my service in the Marine Corps was over. I only wish now I would have told you then, about my addiction to alcohol, then perhaps we could have saved ourselves from the heartache we are feeling now.

I remember the first night you saw me drink. Someone had purchased several bottles of alcohol for me and I knew I would lose control that night. That is why I asked you to hold on to my wallet. I just didn’t know how bad I would lose control. I am truly sorry that you had to stay up and watch me, to ensure I would not aspirate on my own vomit, that night.

Months rolled past and gradually we lost touch with each other as people sometimes do, but I feel now that the universe had other plans for us. You came back into my life suddenly and again, although we were thousands of miles apart, you lit up my world as only you can do. The letters we shared were magical and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, but I did not give up the love I had for alcohol. The times my letters seemed more and more infrequent I am sorry to say were due to my addiction.

Many nights I would give up the chance to talk to you on the phone, just so I could stay in my room and drink and for those nights where I lost the chance to hear the love in your voice, rather than read it in your words, I am sorry.

Again we lost we lost touch with one another and again the universe would not let us stay apart. I was so nervous the day I picked you up at the bus station. At last after two and a half years we were together again. Your love should have been enough for me to remain sober but I think by that point I was beyond hope. I’m sorry for time I got drunk and told you I didn’t need you. I am sorry for the night my friends and I broke all the dishes in the house while we were drinking. I am sorry that I was drinking when I proposed to you. I am sorry for the nights you wanted me all to yourself and I chose to drink and pass out instead.

I am glad that you and I were married that February day in Texas. I am sorry that I drank on our honeymoon. I am sorry for the nights you had to work and I was passed out when you came home. I regret the nights that I was to drunk to hold you in my arms and show you the love that you deserved.

I don’t know how to say this to you so I will just say it. I have cheated on you for our entire marriage. My mistress, the alcohol that took so many nights away from you, cost me so many things. I have lost your love and trust and now must slowly gain them back. I’m sorry for the nights I spent with her, instead of laying in bed with you and loving you like I have always wanted to. I want you to know that you had no part in my alcoholism other than being on the receiving end of my addiction. Like a teenager in love, I thought about my lover all the time. ALL THE TIME. I can’t take back the past. The things I said that hurt you were to hide the true nature of my alcoholism. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem even though you tried to point it out to me and I am sorry it took almost 13 years of our marriage for me to realize how bad I had become and to seek the help that I am receiving now. I am sorry for all the empty promises I gave you over the years that I would quit drinking, I hope that someday you will be able to see that this time I am serious about quitting and I am sorry it has to be this way but I am doing this for me so that one day I can become the man that you deserve.



I love you more today than I have in all the days that have passed,

Jimmy

Dirty Socks and Pills

Joaquin had to see his GI doctor on Monday. Normally he would be okay with seeing a doctor since he loves them. He loves the attention showered on him by the two he sees the most. If it's a sub he is tight lipped. Well, Monday he could not even look into Dr. Boltron's eyes. He was shy because Dr. Boltron has seen inside his body. That really creeped him out. I get that, I don't like looking the OB/GYN in the eyes.

The best part for me....dirty socks. I sent Joaquin in the room to get socks and he picks up dirty ones. I really just had to laugh. He swears they were clean when we left. Yet, he had shoes on...kids.

The poor kid was told no dairy and to try to go no gluten. His bad bacteria in his small intestines are out of control. Another round of antibiotics after which he needs probiotics and kefir. YAY!

Yesterday, I took Maggie to the psychiatrist. For now no real diagnosis has been made. She is on meds to help with anxiety and depression. The doctor got to see her moods in mild action but, enough to get an idea of what is going on.

This is what she looked like 30 minutes after her meds. From what I gather it could be like this for a couple of weeks. It took so much for me to get to the point of seeking help. She has a therapist and a pediatrician who are helping as well. It's bad enough she suffers from hypoglycemia and now this. I just know, it's unfair for her to suffer mentally.

Love and Life
Momma and her Tribe

Friday is Fun Day?

Joaquin look perpetually displeased with life for one reason or another. Actually, I think it's his Autism becoming more noticeable as he's become more agreeable to photos. This morning we had to leave early to get to Loma Linda for a four hour breath test. When we got there, the place was decorated. He posed, reluctantly.

He had to drink some weird solution. He drank it up quick, probably because he was so thirsty and hungry. No breakfast for this poor guy. He did well, and did get tired. I even fell asleep for a bit. Why not?

Every 20 minutes for four hours he had to blow into these bags...interesting. He was not happy about wasting his breath.

Massive Santa Ana winds wrecked my foolishly unsecured gazebo. SIGH! I hope it can be salvaged.

Have and Awesome Weekend,
Momma and her tribe

Doctors and What Have You...

So, I had to visit my doctor today to get a new birth control pill. It goes against everything I believe in but, my cousin needs a kidney. With how my body works I'd have sex and end up pregnant. Seriously, it goes miscarriage then baby....I had a miscarriage in February. The NP thought I had my kids young but, she quickly realized I am 35. The lady at the counter wanted to schedule a mammogram. She quickly realized I am only 35, most patients are much older. So, I look young and look old all at once....GO ME!

The pill I was on gave me chest pains, and I am still having them. I had to get half naked and get and EKG. Why did I feel more exposed with my shirt off than when I have my PAP?

I made a nice ham dinner. I figure one or two really nice dinners a week make for good family memories. What smells better than a nice ham cooking? Okay, maybe some pies.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I am really unsure of the group. Maybe had the group leader explained how things worked I would have been so irritated. Also, I find things contradictory. Perhaps, I'd rather blog about it or talk to a friend than a group of people I don't know. We shall see. I honestly do not feel like crying any more. I'd rather dance or go shoot a gun.

Tomorrow Joaquin has a long lab. We are spending way too much time at the doctors lately. I hope it ends soon.

Love and Peace,
Momma and her tribe

Oh, What a Wednesday!

Took Maggie to breakfast with Jimmy. We had gotten together to take her to therapy. Her therapist ended up being out of state due to a family death. We took her to Gus, Jr for a fatty big breakfast. We are trying to co-parent well,

One thing our kids are fond of doing is going about town in their pajamas. As you can see in the picture above, even to a therapy appointment and breakfast. My Maggie is such a sweet girl. She loves her daddy and misses him. He calls her every night after he is done with his day.

I went to the Social Security office to get some things started for Joaquin and Hezzie. This my friends is an ad I saw. It really cracks me up. Got to say TOS never gets old.


Live Long and Prosper,
Momma and her Tribe

New Traditions

Over the years we have not had many traditions as a family. This year I decided to make new ones. We have a living tree and will continue that from now on. We decorated our tree today.
The TV was on in the background with my favorite TV Drama on, Parenthood. The kids all took turn putting on ornaments, we still need a tree topper. I know we have an angel somewhere. Of course the mandatory picture of the kids, always spectacle...in only the best ways.

Another new tradition is COKE FLOATS. Why not? Ice cream is better when it's cold out. It lasts longer and is less likely to cause puddles. Overall, it's been an amazing day with the kids. We are living life and making memories.

Peace and Blessings,
Momma and her tribe

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10 Lies Told To Me by My Alcoholic

I asked him to send me 10 lies he told me because of his drinking, err alcoholism. He obliged since he was working on a similar assignment for his treatment. There is so much that I am trying to healing from this all, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to rebuild what little self-esteem I had.

"I don't want to rub your back because I don't like the way your skin feels" (I'd rather stay out here and drink)

"I don't want to hold your hand" (I'm thinking about getting drunk)

"I don't think we can afford to go to the beach" (I need money for alcohol)

"I don't have a problem with alcohol" (I did. I just didn't know it at the time)

"I want to quit drinking. (Last year I did not want to quit drinking. I just told you I did to make you happy)

"I don't have the money to fix the car" (I did, but then it would have taken away money to drink with)

"I will finish painting the kitchen" (No I won't it would take away time from drinking)

"I don't like you with short hair" (You look beautiful with long or short hair. You had been complaining about my drinking and I want to get back at you)

"Isn't that kind of vain, taking all these pictures?" (It wasn't. I was envious of your self esteem because I don't have any)

"I don't want to go to you're family function. I don't like so and so." (I'd rather stay home and drink.)


These things hit me pretty hard. But, I needed to know them. I know my self-esteem and self-worth should not rely on what other say to me or think of me, but, when you love someone and give them so much of your self....it happens. So now, it's time to heal these wounds and move on.

a

Trees and Parades

This kids and I started off the weekend with a trip to Live Oak Tree Farm. I know they look all bundled, and I promise you when we left it was about 40 degrees and when we get there it was near 70 degrees. For some reason Joaquin always looks confused, although he really isn't.

We got to learn about all sorts of trees. We got to learn about their leaves. The kids loved saying deciduous and evergreen. They thought coniferous was a funny word. Our tour guide was quite nice.

Hezzie had a blast playing in the piles of leaves. Really, I should have jumped in it as well. We all should have.

Animals are all over this place. They have birds, horses and a bounty of other creatures. We got to go in the petting zoo. This is always a treat for our animal loving family.

Mandatory picture of momma and her tribe.

Not many pictures of Saturday night. But, here are Dexter and Maggie. We were in a float for the music shop where Dexter takes his guitar lessons. It was such a blast.


I hope you all had fun and memory filled weekends.

Love,
Momma and her tribe

10 Promises Broken By Our Alcoholic

This is a list compiled by both the kids and myself.

1. We will go to the beach this year.
2. We will go to the snow this year.
3. We will go fishing this year.
4. We will finish painting the house this week.
5. We will go camping this year.
6. We will go to the park today.
7. We will get a new museum membership.
8. We will visit Texas this year.
9. We will take more field trips.
10. I will stop drinking this year.
    

These are all promises he made and broke.

10 Truths About Living with My Alcoholic

A quick note before you read: Jimmy has given me permission to divulge this information. Nobody has heard any of this outside of my best friend and some of it Jimmy.

1. I never wanted to marry an addict of any sort, yet I went in knowing he was thinking foolishly my love would be enough.
   
2. I could never do anything right, and when I thought I had...something new is wrong.
3. Beer money was priority of any activity and sometimes even the rent.
4. People thought I was controlling when in fact I was the one being controlled.
5. Foolishly I enabled him so I would not have to hear his mouth.
6. His paranoia was so bad, he is no longer living under my roof.
7. He destroyed friendships and other relationships, sometimes I think purposely.
8. He hid things so well outside of our walls that, people still think I am over reacting.
9. My children have suffered, mostly the oldest and the girl child.
10. The house is more peaceful without him here, sadly.
    

Ten Things I Want To Teach My Children...

I will admit this idea was snagged for Kit over at Blogging Dangerously

1. While money is nice to have to pay bills and get what you want, it won't fix your problems.
2. Never give up your passions in life because, someone else wants you to or you think you're too old for them.
3. For everything there is a season and when you think it can't get any worse, a new season comes...look forward to that.
4. If someone is trying to pick on your ....kill with kindness. It always makes them crazy.
5. Never back down when you believe in what you are doing.
   
6. Take time to dance and be silly. Get those endorphins going.
7. When you can not be near your family, make one. Sometimes friends are better than your real family ('cept yo momma)
8. You can chose to be happy or you can chose to be miserable....make the choice wisely.
9. Lead by example, follow those who are an example.
10. In the words of Daniel Johnston "True love will find you in the end..."

Love Always,
Yo' Momma

Astra Taylor

I found this video quite some time ago. Astra Taylor was unschooled until she was 13. At 13 she chose to enter school. She is a documentary film maker. This lecture is eye opening, honest and inspirational. Enjoy, and be inspired.

Weekend in Review

Took the boys to the parade. Maggie was at a sleepover. We had such a good time. However, we had to skip out early since Joaquin was cold and Dexter was getting a headache. We saw some great floats and marching bands.



Saturday night Dexter had a concert. He got to play one blues jam with his guitar instructor and a few other people. It was so very cold since the town it was at is at the base of a mountain. The wind was cold and crisp. Hot apple cider warmed me up and when Dexter was done playing we escaped to our warm van and headed home.

This morning the kids went to Wal-Mart and had a picture done with Santa. I had to giggle at Joaquin and Maggie making funny faces. This is who they are, silly and unpredictable. Oh, and it was pretty amazing to see a Pokemon jump in the mix.

We spent part of the afternoon at a friends house for a birthday party. There were games, a jumper for the small kids and plenty of food. It was so much fun and always great to see my friend. We have been in each others lives since we were 11. WOW! I feel old now.

Once we made it home...gingerbread houses were on! The kids had a blast and it was fun to see what they created. Have I mentioned I love them? Because, I really do.

Love and Life
Button and the Sherman Kids