13 years

Yesterday we celebrated 13 years of marriage. Obviously, not always wonderful and amazing years....but, we have survived and come out strong this round. There is no hiding the fact that a lot has happened the past two years that fractured us, and we all know fractures take longer to heal than breaks.
To say I love this man is an understatement. There is really no word to express how I feel about him deep inside. I do say "I love you", as well as "Ugh, you infuriate me." There is that balance in our life that keeps us between becoming a Sith and Jedi. There were times when one of us was on the Dark Side and the other on the Light Side, sometimes we both were in it together. Love somehow helps us balance it out in the end.
I am very grateful life has given us so many ups and downs as a couple. If it had always been so easy, I don't think I would up for the fight of staying together. I know a lot of superstitious people think 13 is an unlucky number...like my brother I think it's a number of luck. Here's to hoping for 13 more!!!

We started our day yesterday like every other day. We headed over the hill and went to babysit for a friend. We had fun with her kids that we were watching. Her one son hugged me and it melted my heart. Autistic kids just don't hug everyone, or cuddle them. After she came home we headed to the nearest Casino for a lunch buffet. My dad works there and we chatted him up a bit. The main reasons for eating there is it was cheap with a discount card and my dad wanted us to stop by. I have to stop here and thank a few people for making possible for us to have an anniversary date, Heather (and family), Stephanie and my dad. You'll never know how much this meant to us.
We ate some delicious foods, gassed up the van and got some groceries. We picked up the kids at Stephanie's house and headed home.
I have to say, it was a good day.

A Day in Pictures

We had a crazy busy day. Jimmy finally got new glasses. It has been six years since his last pair.

Hezzie saw a doctor about his seizures and she was not his normal pediatrician. she was no help.

We saw our niece/cousin (the kids cousin not ours)

Maggie ate giant pieces of homemade granola. Dexter went to youth and Jimmy visited a friend in the hospital.

meh

I got to visit my newest niece over the weekend. In some ways it broke my heart, I know I will never be close to her. I think mostly because I will probably never have another child of my own. Of course I know I already have five kids, but I had held out hope for one more. Maybe I am jumping ahead too much. My PAP came back with some not so awesome news. It explains why for some time I have been tired and having some pains. Until further testing there are no definite answers. I am sure some in my family will be elated to know I may not be able to birth any more children.
I am feeling a bit depressed lately. After the doctors and a few other things....it seems I can not get my head on right. Seems like nobody can really. Prayer has been coming from my soul to God a lot lately. Even during the most mundane tasks like vacuuming and picking up toys. I feel badly that I have not been doing my share. While I know Jimmy is not mentally ready to go back to his line of work, this is making him feel he should. Ugh, I feel like I am just complaining. Enough out of me.
Love,
Momma

Where Did The Week Go?

To say that I have not been so busy in my life, is in no way a stretch of the truth. Between daily meetings, volunteering, doctors appointments and such...I can hardly find time to nap. Okay, that last part is a lie, I do nap. I am up no later than 4:30 am to start my day and smell fresh coffee brewing (thanks Jimmy).
The kids had an amazing week last week. They spent quite a bot a time with daddy on Thursday and Friday while I was volunteering at Jimmy's treatment center with the family program they run. It was really nice to help what little I did, mostly greeting and participating in the event itself. This is something I am hoping to continue to do.

We put our rings back on, nearly 18 months to the date after removing them. Does this mean everything is perfect? No. However, we are working hard and becoming more understanding of what it means to be married to flawed individuals. Some days I think God has filling me with patience, not to say I do not get frustrated. His memory and attentions span is still something I am working on living with. I've decided that if he walks out of the room mid-conversation instead of yelling, I'll text him. Seems to work if he feels his phone buzzing.

Speaking of Jimmy...he celebrated 90 days sober on Sunday. He said 60-90 was the hardest. I am just glad he is doing this for himself, not because I was insistent or because he was sent by a court. He is working his program to the best of his ability. I hope he knows how much he has made our life different and better. Besides his program he is working with his psychiatrist on uncovering underlying issues. He is noticing his actions and thoughts more, and working on correcting them when he can.

Life has become a series of daily accomplishments....

Love
Momma

Valentines...hmmm

One year, I am thinking two or three years ago I got flowers delivered to me on Valentines Day, several years before that I got a set of jewelry (that later got stolen). Occasionally I would get a card and sometimes my husband would utter "Our anniversary is two weeks away, this is just cheating." In his defensive, he was an alcoholic. I resigned myself to reading to the kids about St. Valentine and making is a special day for them.
Today was supposed to be different, but we have no control over the forces that be. We were wrongly told the date Jimmy would get his disability check and so promises went by the wayside. To say I was not disappointed would be a lie, at the same time I wasn't broken up about it. Unlike some girls I am not used to dinners, flowers and nice gifts...I am used to passing out candy to my kids and making a nice meal for my husband. So, there were no tears shed or complain how it sucks to be broke...I am used to not celebrating. I did however get a lot out of today. My husband and I exchanged cards this morning. We spent some time alone this morning and we were close. He has not been feeling well, he hurt his back and is adjusting to antidepressant medication. I got to help me husband be comfortable, even if it means sleeping in separate beds. I got to help a friend who was in need. Today, it was not about roses and chocolates it was about love.
Love comes in many forms. Love can be a kiss on lips, a back rub or even giving up the last of your Motrin to your husband. Love can be giving a ride, picking up a few things for a friend or thinking about someone you miss. Love can be shown by giving tiny heart shaped boxes to your kids filled with bite sized chocolates or laying in bed watching a movie with them. Love honestly, does not cost money or require a babysitter. Love just is.....


Love,
Momma

Reader Question #2 Favorite Things

What are your favorite things?

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..." No but, really.

1. My iPhone 4
2. My iPad 2

I can honestly say these two electronic devices have streamlined my life. The calendar and document keeping have made my life easier...and for some reason a bit more busy.

3. My Geek Eyewear Glasses

I have not had glasses since my cateyes I have really liked so much. They are so me that when I first saw them I made it a mission to claim them (think Wayne and the guitar in Wayne's World). In my head I repeated "Oh yes, they will be mine."

4. Tazo Lotus Tea



This tea does not even need sweetener of any sort. It's so light and fruity. If you have not tried it, I will cry. Really, I like all sorts of teas this being my favorite hot tea.

5. My Madsen Cycle

For my 11th wedding anniversary this showed up at my doorstep (okay two weeks later but, it was ordered in time.) This bike is a beauty and draws attention. She can haul so much and quite a few kids.

6. My Threadless Thermos



Recently got this from my husband. I carry it everywhere...trading soda for water. Well, okay mostly trading. Look my iPad made an appearance.

7. My papasan




It comforts nursing mommas, babies, kids and even silly dogs.

8. My music collection

No picture it's not organized. I love music so much...
Love,
Momma

Reader Question #1 Special Needs Kids

"You have children with special needs. I use special needs to cover a broad spectrum of medical diagnosis. This can be hard at times to deal with as a parent and a mother. How do you deal with this? The emotional side that us as women tend to feel?"

I really have never used the term "deal" when it comes to my kids and their needs. It makes it sound like the diagnosis are intrusive on my life. That's just part of my over thinking I am sure. Really, when it comes to kids with special needs it really impacts both parents and siblings. I have always just carried on like there was nothing different between my kids but, knowing there really is.
There are times when things can be emotionally draining. When kids have hospital stays or get medicated for the first time. For me, because I am an overthinkier...I felt like I had somehow failed as a parent. Maybe my emotional state during pregnancy transferred to them and other thoughts like that. I have learned to go with the flow and think of them. Think of how these things impact their lives, not mine. A friend gave me insight on that once. Once I let that go, how it makes me feel and get into my kids head...things have been progressively easier. Easier in that I can be at ease, with caution of course in getting certain treatments for my kids.
For our family it's been great to have doctors and psychiatrists working hand in hand. If you have children with special needs, and are frustrated or overwhelmed just imagine for a moment how they must feel.
Now ask me how I deal with a husband who may have similar needs....


Love
Momma

Catching my Breath

It has been a seemingly busy week. I feel like I have not been able to catch my breath. The week started with Jimmy and backache that kept us home. We turned in our cable for Netflix and will be hooking up our antennae again soon. Dexter had a psychiatry appointment which has ended with his being medicated. I honestly wonder some days if these "chemical imbalances" are not somehow linked with my irrationality while pregnant. I know if I wonder too long I will make myself crazy...umm crazier.
Jimmy was put on Wellbutrin which needs to stop. He is a easily aggitated and let me just say, not in his normal I stepped on a Lego in the middle of the night way. He called his psychiatrist today and we are waiting hear back. I can say that Maggie is doing much better and his so lively now. YAY! Good news, right?

Jimmy is volunteering at HVRC once a week and I think it will do him good to give back. We have been spending a bit of time having "in home mini dates". The other day he made some hot tea and I set the table. He broke out the tea biscuits, we talked and read. It can be done with five kids roaming the house.

Creativity is blooming. We need to collect more cardboard boxes. The kids love making things from them. I am hoping to get my hands on appliance ones. Then they can make cities and such, or make them a bit more easy.

Oh and this guy is teaching me guitar!!

Love,
Momma and her tribe

10 Things You Should Know When Your Addict/Alcoholic Comes Home

10 things you should know when your Addict/Alcoholic comes home

1. While they have the same name they are not the same person. A lot has changed both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While you may not see if for awhile, it has occurred. The change can be hard to swallow when you have become accustomed to old behaviors and routines. In reality we should work on on ourselves while they work on themselves.

2. They may easily get bored if they do not return to work; even if they do, in most treatments, they have become accustomed to long, emotionally challenging days. They have told new friends, strangers to us, things they've held in for years, perhaps even lifetimes. They will become bored with mundane things; it’s and adjustment.

3. They can become forgetful or lack a memory that is age appropriate. This is completely normal and frustrating. Yes, for you, but mostly for them. Imagine the embarrassment of forgetting that you've not celebrated anniversaries or you think something that happened yesterday was actually earlier in the day. I've been informed that slowly but surely the memory returns.

4. While they run their steps, they maybe become easily upset or even depressed. Admitting the things they carry is not easy and then sharing them-- that's even harder. However, it's part of the healing and recovery process.

5. Depending on the addiction at some point the addict/alcoholic becomes sugar hungry. While for some people this is early on, for some it can come months later. Just remember they have been filling their bodies with junk for a very long time. I have been told sometimes it passes or sometimes soda or hard candy becomes a substitute.

6. They will try their hardest not to engage in conflict. There is often guilt and shame in facing the people they love and hurt the most. They may even walk away for awhile to get things right.

7. They have formed new and strong friendships. These will be the people they helped and at some point will help him when things of the past sound sweeter than life without the fog. Helping others is a big part of being and staying, clean and sober. It is one of the twelve steps.

8. Life will change in many ways. Finances, living situations, conversations, and family activities may be different. It won't be the party or sloppy nights in front of the TV. They will want life to be lived and loved in new ways--although this may not be immediate.

9. Appearances will change. The face will be more recognizable as the person you once knew. Sometimes the sloppy or revealing clothes will give way to fresh and clean attire. They will learn to care for and love themselves,

10. They are sober, they are clean, and they are healing. They may seem like a child a bit lost in a new world but they will find their way.


Be patient and be kind. Try not to dwell on the past remember, “don’t look back in anger”. Look forward to an exciting new future. Even though this change may seem drastic, if the addict/alcoholic truly has their heart set on recovery, life will be infinitely better.

Love,
Momma

Busy Bee Saturday

After a short stop at the Goodwill store we went up to the Western Science Center for Science Saturday. The kids had so much fun, they always do. Today's theme was physical properties. They made some goo and did some other fun things.


It was pretty nice weather out. It was warm enough for a light sweater a or if you are acclimated short sleeves and shorts....like Dexter above. Oh, looks like Maggie also likes short sleeves. We went to the Ramona Bowl to see if the kids could get casted as rock Indians. The whole ordeal was a wild goose chase and there was about 100 kids there, and we had to leave to get out of town to see my dad. I guess we will try again next year.


We went to John's Incredibly Exspensive Pizza, thanks to gift cards. My dad met us there. We ate and hung out for a few hours. I am actually not sure how long. The kids had sooo muuch fun. Dexter bought all the kids "tokens" with his allowance. That just warmed my heart.


That's All, Folks!
Love,Momma and her tribe

iPad's and Speech

Okay, so in this picture he is not "learning" anything, rather he is watching Toy Story 3 on Netflix. Hezekiah still has limited speech and we are trying to help him boost his vocabulary. Not even knowing what I was doing, just saw the word "free"...I downloaded a matching game. He was playing with poppa and started repeating words like ladder without prompt from us. We were exited. We know that he has a long way to go but, we are still being patient.
I am looking for more apps like this and am hoping to get the funds for a second iPad for the house. This one is mine but, I share.

Love,
Momma

Personal Inventory

Working the steps alongside myy husband has revealed some not so amazing things about myself, to myself. I am sure Jimmy already is aware of my short comings.

I found out my biggest fear has nothing to do with my husband , my children or my parents. My biggest fear has to do with my brother closet in me in age. He will be 31 this year and has a heart of gold. He has a weakeness for neglected kids, kids without stable fathers and whose mothers are not readily available. These children are much like how he was when he was coming up.

He is loyal to his friends and family. His sense of fidelity would have served him well in the military had he been able to stay in.

Over the years he has had on again off again affairs with substance abuse. He can go long periods where he maintains sobriety and periods where he can not be found. I love him and my biggest fear is losing him to this things, losing him in death without seeing his greatness shine through. I know under his rough exterior is that hear of gold, that man of a million talents who is waiting to burt through. For that to happen something needs to change and it has to be of his own wanting and desire. He has to accept that change...it's a scary thing.

I love him more than I even love my parents, for he is all of me and I am all of him.

Love

Momma