14 Years

We met in 1994. I had not clue four and half years later we would be married. We were fast friends and confidants. Really to be honest, and unlikely pair. But, when things are meant to be they just are. We both and childhood dreams of being of service to the Catholic Church, he a priest and I a nun. Obviously life changed those plans.

 

We both joined the Marines for different reasons. He had a family to support, I longed for travel and a chance to meet new people. He was originally assigned to have and MOS in Crash Fire Rescue, I was hoping and even waited to get the MOS. In the end he was a cook/baker and I was assigned to Motor T. We met because our MOS schools were on Camp Johnson. He got to travel and I got to go home from knee injuries. Despite distance and time we eventually came together to be a "real" couple. Not just a couple of people exchanging letters, cards and mixed tapes.

We have lived together in North Carolina, Texas and California. We have gained weight together and lost some together. We have owned four different vehicles together. We have seven kids between us and together we love them. We loved together, we have fought together. We have hurt together and are healing together. 14 years married and while a lot has changed, a lot remains the same. 

Love

Momma

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

What is this crazy little thing we call love? Honestly, I don't think it's a little thing at all. It's a GREAT BIG THING! I know when I met my husband I was blindsided with it. I became irrational and inside was screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Why are you smiling and being ridiculous?" On the outside I was acting a fool. I know I was. He was a great guy and even then did things that annoyed the heck out of me. I pushed him into the friend zone. The friend zone is where he belonged,  in my mind. At the time I was 18 and too cool for relationships. I wanted to go on with my life as a single gal, traveling the world and writing about her adventures. In reality all I ended up doing was travelling the country and writing to my friends about my adventures. I worked at a gas station once and penned short stories that my coworkers fawned over.

Fast forward almost 19 years....I am still too hip for a relationship. Not really, I think it's one of the most amazing things. We have had more than our fair share if ups and downs. There have been times where I have wanted to crack him over the head, and once I threw a bottle the whizzed by his forehead. If I wanted it to hit him, it would have. Together we have brought a bit of craziness into each others lives. Baggage from our childhoods weaved itself in and out. Life seemed so much simpler when we got married, we had his daughter Stephanie and I was told I'd never have kids. It was easy peasy. Then....we had Dexter and five kids after that. We've worked hard to make pennies stretch. We worked even more hard when he was in rehab and in sober living.

Some people think love is always as wonderful as it in the beginning  It's not, well maybe it is if you don't fully let your guard down. There are times when we can't get enough of each other and times when we are perfectly happy watching TV in separate rooms. We have learned to move past the bumps in the road and make due with the path. I don't think I could have found a better mate....okay, maybe if he looked like Marc Harmon and had the voice of David Bowie <wink> and moves like Jagger. I am glad we have had all these trials, I am glad we have all these kids, I am glad we have this kind of love.

Love 

Momma

Baby Love

I'm so in love with my little one. The four years between births was well worth it. Although two years in I thought I'd never be snuggling a little one to my breast ever again.

It brings back all the memories of the older kids. When they were fresh little babies breathing softly against my chest. Their little heads against my chest as I look down at the tops of six very different heads. They all developed at different paces, and were mesmerized by different things. It's amazing that I could forget those things. That I could forget first steps, words and laughs. I guess the daily nonsense and eye rolling clouded my brain. It's a good thing I can remember, and go back to that baby love.

Love
Momma

Salutations 2012

A few snippets of the year

Hope. 2013 is full of blessings and wonderment....


Love
Momma

Games

Today Hezzie and I played a couple games my friend Lisa gave us. His favorite by far is Don't Spill the Beans. Hello awesome. I think it's cute he doesn't realize spilling the beans is losing.

I also donated some breastmilk today. I'm glad I know I can help.

Mostly I just milled around the house, hung out with Tanni and Hezzie. I uses a foam cleaner for the carpet and vacuumed a lot. Tanni is soothed by the noise of it. She's a bit colicky and I'm hoping isn't developing reflux. I'm not drinking regular milk any more. This sucks when you crave it. It's helping her though. She's a cluster feeder. So I do have hours to do other household chores and hours where it's couch city or bed cuddling. It works out nicely.

I went to Subway for two dollar subs, I failed to count the subs. I came home minus one of the kids subs. Immediate guilt.

I'm looking forward to another new year. While this year wasn't easy, it sure was much different than any other year. It was a sober year, a year of doctors visits and hospital stays. It was a year if learning, loving and accepting and forgiving. It was a year where friends stepped back and left me feeling lonely. A year of family and a year of changing addresses. It was a year of new pets and new furniture. It was a year if immense blessings. It was a year that I've lived up until today.

Hope you've had a year of memories.

Love
Momma

Did I Just Read That?!

Okay, I do have original ideas lately, but I admit some things I am reading are striking the WRONG chord. Today I read this article on the Stir. Please click that link ya'll!

Yeah we do Santa gifts, but they think Santa is St. Nicholas. I went years telling my kids Santa was never real. Somehow I had let myself be brainwashed that this would ruin kids. But, when I read them the St. Nicholas story, it worked out. My kids believe in an Easter Eagle. For some reason they had to create something with glorious wings. I had no part in that shenanigans.

My real issue is the monster thing. Why not let your kids know that there are people who will do unthinkable things? No ya'll I don't mean telling them that the Blob will attack them (okay who else thinks the Blob looks like a ginormous placenta?). Nor do I mean reading them true crime books and making them afraid of clowns or people in general. Just give them some street smarts. After all, most offenders will be in the family or family circle. Hello! Can I get an Amen?! I also think a good dose of good touch bad touch is in order. Lets be real people! Keep the conversation open.

Wish my mom had. All she ever told me was not to kiss boys or I'd have a baby. Imagine being 12 and just starting your period and hearing that. DAMN! No kissing any boys for quite a few years. It wasn't until we watched 'The Miracle of Life" in science did I understand. But, then we just all laughed at the Tron like graph of a penis having an erection. I hardly think it was up to our teacher to show us that video and then our parents not answering questions. Be real people! Be real, be honest and eff that cabbage patch business.

If you don't tell your kids honesty is the best policy, expect to be lied to quite often. Really? Why wouldn't you want honest kids? Oh because they will call you on your bull? "Sorry Suzie, I can't come over lil Johnny is sick." 'No I am not!" Yeah, you know that's happened. It's not cute and you look like a fool. Be honest with yourself so your kids can be honest with you. It's never nice after working in the yard and sweating and your lil one says "You stink." but, hey now you can take a shower before the market.

LOVE DOES PAY THE BILLS AND PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE! If someone loves you and themselves they will get to work. They will make it happen. Whether they are a CEO or selling oranges on the corner, they will make it happen. It could take a bit to make some things happen but, love is also being patient.

End Rant

Love

Momma

13 years

Yesterday we celebrated 13 years of marriage. Obviously, not always wonderful and amazing years....but, we have survived and come out strong this round. There is no hiding the fact that a lot has happened the past two years that fractured us, and we all know fractures take longer to heal than breaks.
To say I love this man is an understatement. There is really no word to express how I feel about him deep inside. I do say "I love you", as well as "Ugh, you infuriate me." There is that balance in our life that keeps us between becoming a Sith and Jedi. There were times when one of us was on the Dark Side and the other on the Light Side, sometimes we both were in it together. Love somehow helps us balance it out in the end.
I am very grateful life has given us so many ups and downs as a couple. If it had always been so easy, I don't think I would up for the fight of staying together. I know a lot of superstitious people think 13 is an unlucky number...like my brother I think it's a number of luck. Here's to hoping for 13 more!!!

We started our day yesterday like every other day. We headed over the hill and went to babysit for a friend. We had fun with her kids that we were watching. Her one son hugged me and it melted my heart. Autistic kids just don't hug everyone, or cuddle them. After she came home we headed to the nearest Casino for a lunch buffet. My dad works there and we chatted him up a bit. The main reasons for eating there is it was cheap with a discount card and my dad wanted us to stop by. I have to stop here and thank a few people for making possible for us to have an anniversary date, Heather (and family), Stephanie and my dad. You'll never know how much this meant to us.
We ate some delicious foods, gassed up the van and got some groceries. We picked up the kids at Stephanie's house and headed home.
I have to say, it was a good day.

Valentines...hmmm

One year, I am thinking two or three years ago I got flowers delivered to me on Valentines Day, several years before that I got a set of jewelry (that later got stolen). Occasionally I would get a card and sometimes my husband would utter "Our anniversary is two weeks away, this is just cheating." In his defensive, he was an alcoholic. I resigned myself to reading to the kids about St. Valentine and making is a special day for them.
Today was supposed to be different, but we have no control over the forces that be. We were wrongly told the date Jimmy would get his disability check and so promises went by the wayside. To say I was not disappointed would be a lie, at the same time I wasn't broken up about it. Unlike some girls I am not used to dinners, flowers and nice gifts...I am used to passing out candy to my kids and making a nice meal for my husband. So, there were no tears shed or complain how it sucks to be broke...I am used to not celebrating. I did however get a lot out of today. My husband and I exchanged cards this morning. We spent some time alone this morning and we were close. He has not been feeling well, he hurt his back and is adjusting to antidepressant medication. I got to help me husband be comfortable, even if it means sleeping in separate beds. I got to help a friend who was in need. Today, it was not about roses and chocolates it was about love.
Love comes in many forms. Love can be a kiss on lips, a back rub or even giving up the last of your Motrin to your husband. Love can be giving a ride, picking up a few things for a friend or thinking about someone you miss. Love can be shown by giving tiny heart shaped boxes to your kids filled with bite sized chocolates or laying in bed watching a movie with them. Love honestly, does not cost money or require a babysitter. Love just is.....


Love,
Momma

Coining Out and A New Beginning

Today, Jimmy "coined out" of his treatment. Most of the time people complete the steps for this before they leave, better insurance I suppose. However, Jimmy made his coining his last day. When I walked into that big room full of familiar and unfamiliar faces I was struck with emotion. Then I looked to the board to see what these people had written about him. To be honest I was a bit taken back. "Who is this guy?" I thought to myself. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart he is an amazing person...the recent past has proven otherwise.
Each person spoke and most who really took the time to speak to him at some point had remarkable things to speak about him. My heart was sad that I have yet to meet that person but, it was also glad that that person is coming out.
When it got to me, I had to have the counselor, Lisa read my letter. My emotions were already shaken and tearfully nobody would have understood a word of it. This was my letter to him.

"Dearest Jimmy,
Its kind of hard to convey everything we've been through into a short amount of time. We met on a fall day in 1994. We were both young and full of promising lives. Our paths crossed that day on the back of that five ton truck and have never been the same.
I could say it hasn't been a joy but, I'd be lying...mostly. There are been great times and some seriously trying times. I know when we married I was choosing to marry an alcoholic. I was choosing a life I had tried to avoid but, my heart won over my intellect.
We were young and the worries of the world ahead were unknown.
Since we've been together we've given birth to five amazing kids and have lost six angels. Most of our kids are challenged and I know this weighs heavy on your heart. But, I do believe god gave them to us because, he knows our hearts. He knows you care deeply and when you are right in your mind you're a blessing to our children. It takes a great deal of strength to raise children with Autism, epilepsy, Aspergers, bi-polar disorder and then waiting years before some can ever utter a simple "I love you". But, they do. Their love can be seen on there eyes as they race at the sound of the gate to get the first embrace.
The past year was the most trying. There was a loveless desert between us. I know it was hard on you to see me pull away so much at the end. I had to save myself so as to let you go and discover what you needed to do to be whole in your own life. It was a hard and heartbreaking act for me to do. For me to have to behave so selfishly broke me.
I know we've got a great amount of healing ahead of us and a good amount behind us.
. But, I'm here today as your wife and friend to support and love you. I'm here to try and get past all the lies and broken promises if the past as we walk together into the future. Right now I see the man I had the honor of having a glimpse at back in 1994 before the drunken days and nights began.
Love
Anita Ann

"You came from space with a brand new laugh and a different face"
From And it Spread by The Avett Brothers"

There was the sound of tears while it was being read and we looked each other in the eyes. Our life will never be the same.

Jimmy, exchanged his number and email address with quite a few people. This is not the Jimmy I know. It is a good sign of things to come.

He posed for pictures with a few people he had grown close to.

He promised to keep in touch.

He promised to smile more.

He promised to keep working on his steps.

He has hope, love and most of all determination. I have no doubt his heart is in it.

Love,
Momma