Update

I have been sick in one way or another for nearly a month. I was stung by a bee on August 5th and had an deadly reaction to it, or whatever it had been eating. I then had a reaction to the steroids in the hospital and the ones they sent me home with. I ended up having to wean off of them and take blood pressure meds while I did so. Then I ended up with double ear infections from the steroids and had a bad reaction to the ear drops and now am dealing with anxiety. My PCP have me Zoloft and I had to stop that. I had a serious reaction to that and he wanted me to " let it get into" my system and gave me another med to help me through. I stopped the Zoloft and had a terrible time to following few days and had to take the other medication once. No reaction.
I am currently trying to get through this anxiety thing as naturally and as safe as possible.  I have had friends who have been great and very helpful. Also, my mom and husband. They are my rocks and my mom basically babysat me most of this time. She cared for my kids and prayed with me. My poor husband can't get any time off of work to come and stay with me. He knows how scary this can all be. My routine of teas and supplements have been great.
As I am able to, I get the kids out and we do things. Home Depot, Lowes and all that sort of thing. They have been great and understanding. Poor Maggie knows what it is to have anxiety, and she has not had an attack in probably a year. I am so grateful. Jimmy has a three day weekend and is here making sure I am okay and that things are getting done. I am working on laundry and my desk. He took Dexter to Mass yesterday and us smoking a brisket today. I know he had wanted to work today, but it is nice to have this Union guy home on a Union holiday.
Hezekiah and Joaquin went to see Dr. Aaen and it went well. Hezekiah was taken off his seizure meds and Joaquin is on the same dose. He ordered different therapies for them, so thankful for that. I am having a terrible time with heat, so Jimmy switched his days off so he could drive us.
Hezekiah got fitted with glasses after his eye appointment. He picked out some cool frames and he should have them soon.
Maggie has improved her reading so much, she reads description on the Roku for Mythbusters like a champ. That is the kids new favorite show, and soon they want to start watching How it's made. I just love how much they have been learning lately, and how much they still want to learn. Life is good.

Love,
Momma

Update on Broken Promises.

In December I wrote this post about the 10 promises my alcoholic broke. I thought I should give a quick update on how much has changed.

He has taken us to the beach, we have a new museum membership, he is still sober and we have taken a few field trips. The kitchen is nearly done painted.

Life is by no means perfect, even fairy tales have their dark side, life is increasingly different. We have even gone to family functions he would normally weasel his way out of. A lot of him working on him, great thing. I know he has bipolar disorder and social anxiety, so even a small change....to me is HUGE, to the kids it's MONUMENTAL!

In the picture above, he's not irritated, he has anxiety about the kids at the beach. Our oldest was way out, body surfing. Our youngest was getting his water legs. But, he never once said "We need to leave." He stuck it out, we all lived and had a great day with my brother and his family.

No matter how bad your alcoholic is, when he/she is ready to change....the change will be dynamic and even scary. Hang in there....

Love,

Momma

A Stranger In My House part 1

There have been strangers in my house, off and on for a year or so. They come in looking like my husband. They walk like him, bippity bopp from the street, they talk like him...no hint of a Texas accent. They even smell like him, yet somehow...they are not quite him.

The first stranger came late last summer and by the time fall came, he had taken over my husband. The drinking and anger was a far cry from the man I had met back in 1994. His words were like fire, torching everyone who dared glance his way. His eyes were now an ice blue, as I am sure it was because his heart was turning cold. Who was this man? Who was this person in bed with me?

He eventually saw something in himself he did not agree with...and decided to drop the bottle..err can. I was afraid it was too late, and wanted nothing more than to disappear from the memories we had made together, well except the children of course. His mind had him spinning, speculating and not trusting. His body wanted a drink, and the end seemed inevitable. Soon after he realized he could not go on much more and I took this stranger to a place, a place where only people who have no grasp on reality go. It was a Sunday in November and not quite cold yet. My whole self was agitated and my heart was sinking. The fall leaves were scattered on the campus of this hospital. We tried to pretend everything was nice, we even took pictures. I occupied my mind is meaningless text and really just wanted to sink into a bowl of self pity. Poor me, living with a person I did not know. When really, it was not about me. It was about this stranger wearing my husbands skin. A stranger saying mean things and accusing everyone of things we had not even thought of.

By the time I was able to leave, I stood on the other side, of secure glass doors wanted to yell "Just come home." I didn't though, again this was for him not me. The long drive home was hard to handle. The sun was going down and the beautiful scenery of back roads, was not enough to warm my heart. I was going home to five kids, and a cold bed.

He was only there a few short days, and I longed for phone calls. I longed for something.....something that was not so strange.

Enjoying Life

We have been so so busy. The weekend was actually really good. We took the kids to First Peoples Day. It is an annual event put on by The Human Relations Council. We have gone every year they have had it. We got to see wool being spun into yard, iron being forged, clay pots being made and Native dancers. Also, we ate some delicious hot dogs.
Saturday night I went to a Night of Art. I had an amazing time. I wanted to take Maggie but, her internal schedule did not call for it. Hopefully, like Joaquin we can make it more flexible.

Sunday was a birthday party with pizza for my friends child. I always laugh that these pizza places have party rooms, with beer banners. Even when my husband was an alcoholic is confused me. But, such is life.

You know, life has been treating me good. Suprised by pregnancy, I thought the pilot was out in the oven, doing a lot of art and loving my kids with a passion. Loving and adjusting to my husbands medication. Why do I say his medication? He is not himself on it. Something he plans on talking with his psychiatrist about. I am thankful for that.

How can I complain when there is this in my backyard everyday?

Love,
Momma

'Emotional Crafting" or Painting

I have been "emotional crafting"....well, that is what I call my paintings. I use acrylic craft paints. Ever since I have been doing this, I feel a myriad of emotions and I feel it is seen in my work. Since I first started painting way back when I was 14 at Banning High School, I have enjoyed painting the female form. This is one of a few I have recently done. They are just representations and all the colors used are a representation of all the colors we as women are.

"Maggie Mindstorm"

I was sitting at the table a hour or so ago, the gesso had just dried on my canvas. Thursday I was lucky enough to find some vintage canvas' at a thrift shop and swooped them up. I pulled out some colors and was set on painting something different. During the first few paint strokes my Maggie began having a very emotional anxiety attack and wanted daddy. He was trying to help her breathe through it. She cried "Why can't I just stopped having anxiety?" She began to yell and cry. Sometimes when she has these attacks you can also get snippets of the ups and downs of her possible bipolar disorder. Ugly things fly from her mouth weaved in with worrisome cries. I painted as I felt her emotions.
For a seven year old little girl she deals with a lot emotionally, physically and mentally. She has these mindstorms some weeks, daily other weeks they are few and far between. Her meds do help but, without completely sedating her, there has been no way to keep them at a low level. I am hoping to get her some alternative therapies, she has always loved horses and I think that would be great therapy for her. She identifies with wolves and their howls, I am saving up for a membership to the California Wolf Center. Also, I am working on making her an artists box...looking for a perfect box to paint for her. She is so tangled up in herself.
Okay, I am stopping for now.

Love,
Momma

BiPolar Disorder and Addiction

I talked to someone not too long ago and was told that many doctors (including the founder of Jimmy's treatment center) believe BiPolar disorder go hand in hand. Alcoholism in fact tends to be more common with those who suffer from mania more than depression while those with the more depressive sides of this abuse methamphetamine. Then there are those who sway back and forth equally who tend to abuse both.

For people like my husband, more manic, the alcohol at first helps them maintain a level of "normalcy". They seem to function better and for him, he was more social. He was for most of the time functioning. He never lost his job, got a DUI or called in sick to work. Looking back I could see that during the times he drank less he was more manic, spending and antsy. Sometimes he would get depressed and sneak my pain meds for my gall bladder. At one point I made a comment I thought he was BiPolar like his mother. He said I was, and maybe I am.

In my heart of hearts I knew in some way addiction and mood disorders kind of danced with each other. One would serenade the other and do some sort of tango. I never really looked into it because, I am just a mom, a wife with lost of ideas and no real resources for them. It wasn't until I realized my daughter is BiPolar and my oldest son showed the same tendencies I looked more into it. It makes sense looking at the people in my life who have suffered from the brutal disease of addiction who try to maintain a "normal" mood, or life. My thought it there is only "normal" for you. The insanity of addiction and BiPolar disorder together is a nasty mix. When you can work on the addiction and see the insanity of your moods and work on that, life is much more manageable. That's not to say you won't have episodes where the insanity is more apparent.

I hope this has helped someone besides myself.

Much Love.

Momma

BiPolar and Addiction: The Dual Diagnosis

10 Things You Should Know About BiPolar Disoder and Addiction

Catching my Breath

It has been a seemingly busy week. I feel like I have not been able to catch my breath. The week started with Jimmy and backache that kept us home. We turned in our cable for Netflix and will be hooking up our antennae again soon. Dexter had a psychiatry appointment which has ended with his being medicated. I honestly wonder some days if these "chemical imbalances" are not somehow linked with my irrationality while pregnant. I know if I wonder too long I will make myself crazy...umm crazier.
Jimmy was put on Wellbutrin which needs to stop. He is a easily aggitated and let me just say, not in his normal I stepped on a Lego in the middle of the night way. He called his psychiatrist today and we are waiting hear back. I can say that Maggie is doing much better and his so lively now. YAY! Good news, right?

Jimmy is volunteering at HVRC once a week and I think it will do him good to give back. We have been spending a bit of time having "in home mini dates". The other day he made some hot tea and I set the table. He broke out the tea biscuits, we talked and read. It can be done with five kids roaming the house.

Creativity is blooming. We need to collect more cardboard boxes. The kids love making things from them. I am hoping to get my hands on appliance ones. Then they can make cities and such, or make them a bit more easy.

Oh and this guy is teaching me guitar!!

Love,
Momma and her tribe