(I know this was supposed to be a three part series...it went into something more.)
Faith is not just an Album by the Cure or a song by George Michaels. The dictionary defines faith as "something believed in with strong conviction." I had that. My faith was so strong and I held on to it. No, I was not religious I was spiritual and had a close bond with the Creator. That bond was forged strong just before the birth of my oldest son and slowly faded away over the last few years.
It went to the way side as I tried to reconcile how after overcoming so much in my youth, I could again be going through so much. If He loved me, why was I hurting in the midst of what should have been a great loving relationship. Didn't He know what I had already endured in my childhood and in my previous relationships? Why would the Creator allow me to attract such broken people if I myself had already been broken so many times? One of my previous relationships was with a schizophrenic who had issues with addiction and another who suffered deep battles of depression. In my heart I knew Jimmy was covering up a multitude of issues but, it fell on deaf ears. His alcoholism was just the icing on the cake, the sweetest part not exactly the core.
When things began to get bad, I just surrendered my faith. After all, prayer and faith did nothing except make things worse. We eventually left our church due to a disagreement and never found a new one. Situations became more tense as eggshells lined the floor of a once loving home. I wondered why would go put me in the home I tried to avoided, why would he allow it. Then I realized I had chosen this.
When Jimmy and I married I knew he was an alcoholic and my choices lead to this life. So, I have nothing to question the Creator about...if He did indeed exist anymore. My heart closed off to what I held so tight and so close for so long.
As Jimmy gets more days sober and comes more into himself, I still question the validity of my faith. If he was indeed healed through his treatment, why is there still so much chaos within himself? He has surrendered fully and yet he is not whole.
I don't know if things will ever be as strong or as fervent as they once were, I know that He has a plan but, at what expense?
I gave up my faith, I gave up a big part of myself and I am waiting for a sign.
Love,
Momma
It went to the way side as I tried to reconcile how after overcoming so much in my youth, I could again be going through so much. If He loved me, why was I hurting in the midst of what should have been a great loving relationship. Didn't He know what I had already endured in my childhood and in my previous relationships? Why would the Creator allow me to attract such broken people if I myself had already been broken so many times? One of my previous relationships was with a schizophrenic who had issues with addiction and another who suffered deep battles of depression. In my heart I knew Jimmy was covering up a multitude of issues but, it fell on deaf ears. His alcoholism was just the icing on the cake, the sweetest part not exactly the core.
When things began to get bad, I just surrendered my faith. After all, prayer and faith did nothing except make things worse. We eventually left our church due to a disagreement and never found a new one. Situations became more tense as eggshells lined the floor of a once loving home. I wondered why would go put me in the home I tried to avoided, why would he allow it. Then I realized I had chosen this.
When Jimmy and I married I knew he was an alcoholic and my choices lead to this life. So, I have nothing to question the Creator about...if He did indeed exist anymore. My heart closed off to what I held so tight and so close for so long.
As Jimmy gets more days sober and comes more into himself, I still question the validity of my faith. If he was indeed healed through his treatment, why is there still so much chaos within himself? He has surrendered fully and yet he is not whole.
I don't know if things will ever be as strong or as fervent as they once were, I know that He has a plan but, at what expense?
I gave up my faith, I gave up a big part of myself and I am waiting for a sign.
Love,
Momma
Beautiful, honest post...just want you to know that I am thinking of you during this time and am with you in faith...the road is rocky, I am sure. Something that has helped me in similar times is to recall the times where I did see the hand of God in my life, pointing me to a comforting path or holding me when those rocky roads are a bit too hard to climb...remembering those moments of His love. Moments like these are yours, your gifts that no one can take away...
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