Monday, January 9, 2012
Tomorrow starts a new chapter for us. Jimmy will finish his time at rehab. I think this has brought on an abundance of stress dreams. I have woken up a few nights already after dreaming he is drinking while we are all sleeping. I know part of this is because, we live right by a liquor store. We can literally see it out of our front window.
I do believe his heart at his time. I feel badly that his memory has suffered a great bit. He does not remember so much and. It breaks my heart. I feel badly when I ask him a question about something he has said in the past and he has no recollection.
The biggest thing I am trying to heal from is the lies. They were lies and I did not even know they were. So when he confessed o me that so many little things were lies and big things as well it made me question so much. He had always said "I have no reason to lie, and neither do you." One thing that I had always held on to and many of our friends had admired was our honesty with each other. Just to find out it was mainly one sided really crushed me. No so much what others thought, but how I had been betrayed and fooled for more than half of my life.
For givens is happening but, I am human and have some questions
I can not wait to spend more time with this new Jimmy, the guy all his rehab buddies say is so nice. I honestly have to admit to some jealously that they have begun to know him before me. You can say it's dumb but, I wish I was able to be the one who saw that change and not had to wait so long. I know my time is coming.
The sun sets on the past and I am hoping the bit of anger that lingers goes with it. A new outlook and a new person to fall in love with waits for me, I just hope he loves me as much as he ever has. I know I still love him whoever he is.