Sunday, April 8, 2012
How a Blog Made Me Cry
Randomly I was reading different Facebook pages. I came upon a link for this article. As I read the blog post not only did I see so much of my darling Maggie, I saw so so much of me. Me as a little girl, as a tween, as a teenager and even me as an adult.
I continued reading more of the blog. I came upon this list, I love lists. I came down to number nine and just sank. My heart sank into a million little pieces. Reading that along with section E. # 1 from the previous article, and I literally lay on my couch and let me heart sink further. Laying there and I was almost in tears. Little snippets of friends who have come and gone, the time invested in these friendships, and the amount of my heart I put into them .... for people just to walk away.
For most of my life I thought I "needed" a large extended group of friend, or a small close knit group. I even tried getting these friends to mingle with each other. All failed attempts at mimicking a part of my parents lives. They are all pretty social beings. Growing up they had friends, all kinds of friends. I thought that is what normal people had, friends around all the time. Turns out that is not my lot in life. I have learned to enjoy what I have.
In real world social situations, including with family I often feel outside of myself. Life there is no appropriate place for me to fit. Sometimes I will latch on to someone I am familiar with if my husband is not with me, or I just sit and watch people. I have learned some ways to deal with it, and sometimes when I compare, I let it get to me.
I will end this post now, it's become a lot....one "friend" once told me..."We can't be friends anymore, you are painfully loyal." Are you as baffled as I am.