Some Days

Some days we do nothing in particular. Or rather it seems that way. We clean up, rest, read, and play games. This is just every day life around here. It seems things can run more smoothly with jimmy having more time off of work. He's finding his rhythm within the family. Although, I know it's hard with certain people, including myself wanting one on one time. Wanting to get to know him as he is now.

Jimmy still has memory issues, and I am trying to be understanding. It's rough when he can stop mid conversation, walk out of the room and forget we were even talking. I can not say I am saintly, about it. I try my hardest and he has even taken to putting small notes to himself on his iPhone. I love him and am in prayer that it's only a temporary side effect. He doesn't much like it when I remind him of things but, what's the alternative?

Some days are spent in your pajamas trying not to be sad.

Love,

Momma and her tribe

Frustration. Memory and Broken Trust

I don't know where to begin without sounding like an intolerable hag. I love my husband, I do so very much. No, I am not saying that to convince myself that I do...I honestly love every broken part of his being. All those puzzle pieces face down...I am trying to help him piece them together. It's a slow and frustrating process.
We have had some "conversations" recently about a couple things. He on his own volition promised he would not contact a certain rehab friend but, would respond to her and be nice. No problem on that, then he did. This morning first thing my trust was crushed. It's a sticky situation and his memory is so bad...sometimes I don't know if he honestly forgets things or is being a jerk. Another situation is that, there are rumors going around that facility about us and two young people who walked out of rehab. We helped one of them get to the sober living home, retrieve her medications and personal products. Now it's going around that we have them living in our home and that drug use it happening. Ummm no this is not at all what is going on. Both are very nice young people, we love them and if there was suspect of use we would ask them. Because, of said rumors Jimmy was told it was not a good idea for him to volunteer there. He contacted a few people, he told myself and a friend if and when the air was cleared he would not spend his time in a place that basically perpetuates gossip. Then today he was gung-ho about it...and I went over the edge. Yes, you might think that is crazy. But, after this morning it was just too much. Broken trust twice...over two things he did not remember saying.
His memory is so bad, and I have learned could take years to return. So, I get to decipher when he breaks my trust is it intentional or is it memory loss. If he could see why the frustration and hurt occurs without thinking I am crazy, life would be so much easier. But, nothing amazing in my life has come easy...nor his.
The poor guy is going through so much.(I will blog on that tomorrow) He is doing his part, making meetings, working his steps and he has a sponsor. Where's mine? Oh wait Al-Anon was crazy. With all of this going on his has numerous people reaching out to him and I have people walking away. Isn't life grand?
If I had one wish it would be for him to have memory, good memories, bad memories whatever just so he'd remember and not get frustrated.

Love
Momma

Do I Know You?

You never know what to expect when you marry someone, the future is uncertain. We all have our ideals, of a life full of joy and ecstasy. Even when we know we are marrying someone who had the disease of addiction. Sometimes you can sense what is hidden beneath all the masks. When the masks are shed and the person who lies beneath comes to surface, it can be hard to swallow. You have known the other person so long, and loved that person and now love starts a new in many aspects. This is not an easy process for the addict nor for his family. You think to yourself "Who is this person?" This happened a lot during the latter part of his recovery when I met people telling me how amazing and awesome he is. Not that I don't think he is, or we would not have married but, I had lost that. When people would say he was a good listener and a good friend I wanted to cry. Again questioning, "Who is this person?" Then I resigned myself to "waiting my turn" to know this person.

He was thinking, "How do I find myself?" While treatment brings out a lot of pain it also bring unexpected joys. Long lost talents and passions resurface. For my alcoholic they are things I have tried to nurture in him, things he pushed aside for a can of beer. Slowly, as the old skins shed and fall to the floor the new skin slowly comes together like a puzzle picture sides down. It's not fast, nor is it easy but....with a little help it can be achieved.

Right now, my husband also known as my alcoholic is in transition. He was able after three days back to work to get two weeks off. He went from an all day social healing experience to mostly solitary work. This gave his mind too much volume. Something that was masked by years of drinking, along with underlying depression. Yesterday, I learned that even though he is 36 years old he is mentally and emotionally 15. His heavy drinking began at 14. He never learned to be a teenager or adult properly.
I do get frustrated because his memory and concentration is that of a much older man. He can not remember many of our past, even recent past conversations. We have been working on communication because, without proper explanation I tend to end up in tears and he ends up frustrated. It's become almost like a parent and child relationship. Me making sure he understands and him thinking I should just know. However, I know he is not my child and is in fact my husband, lover and friend. But, his mind will not function normally for 2-5 years or so it's been said. So a lot of prayer is at hand as well as a lot of patience.

Love,
Momma

reblogged at If Drinking Didn't Kill Me