Ugh! It Has To Get Better

My mom brought over Hezzies birthday gifts today. He wasn't thrilled with the Batman pajamas, yet he is wearing them all day. He got these cool cars called Flip Force. They are pretty awesome.
Jimmy has been grouchy and overwhelmed with everything. Although, I have tried to make it easy. I am trying to make it to where he only had to sweep and mop when he gets home, and maybe make dinner. It's not enough though. Well, that's how I feel. When he cycles it's right on me. I wish he'd have time for meetings or something. I am worried the stress will make him just not come home one day. If that happens, I'll deal. I won't be happy, but I will deal.
I do not expect people to feel sorry for me, or hate my husband. I'm
just frustrated. I am not supposed to do anything. I still do some things though. I hate not being able to have sex. This is when I think a Devi d wife would come in handy for Jimmy or a surrogate.
I am over these women on boards saying that if they can't get satisfied why should their man be able to? How about to stabilize their mood, maybe it's just me. A mothers helper would be great. Or a giant nanny dog that makes sure they don't make messes.
The kids ES for school is on my last nerve. She doesn't call, I'm constantly calling her to get answers. Frustrating and I may just withdrawal them, and let Dexter enroll next year.
On a good not, I'm not behind on laundry. The kids bring it to me, I sort it out and hang thing on hangers. They put it away. The house is cleans d my animals seem happy. Tomorrow I have a friend coming over to visit. My first real visitor. Just to visit. Yes, I'm starved for adult interaction.


I'll learn to be happy in my circumstance.

Love,
Momma

'Emotional Crafting" or Painting

I have been "emotional crafting"....well, that is what I call my paintings. I use acrylic craft paints. Ever since I have been doing this, I feel a myriad of emotions and I feel it is seen in my work. Since I first started painting way back when I was 14 at Banning High School, I have enjoyed painting the female form. This is one of a few I have recently done. They are just representations and all the colors used are a representation of all the colors we as women are.

"Maggie Mindstorm"

I was sitting at the table a hour or so ago, the gesso had just dried on my canvas. Thursday I was lucky enough to find some vintage canvas' at a thrift shop and swooped them up. I pulled out some colors and was set on painting something different. During the first few paint strokes my Maggie began having a very emotional anxiety attack and wanted daddy. He was trying to help her breathe through it. She cried "Why can't I just stopped having anxiety?" She began to yell and cry. Sometimes when she has these attacks you can also get snippets of the ups and downs of her possible bipolar disorder. Ugly things fly from her mouth weaved in with worrisome cries. I painted as I felt her emotions.
For a seven year old little girl she deals with a lot emotionally, physically and mentally. She has these mindstorms some weeks, daily other weeks they are few and far between. Her meds do help but, without completely sedating her, there has been no way to keep them at a low level. I am hoping to get her some alternative therapies, she has always loved horses and I think that would be great therapy for her. She identifies with wolves and their howls, I am saving up for a membership to the California Wolf Center. Also, I am working on making her an artists box...looking for a perfect box to paint for her. She is so tangled up in herself.
Okay, I am stopping for now.

Love,
Momma

BiPolar Disorder and Addiction

I talked to someone not too long ago and was told that many doctors (including the founder of Jimmy's treatment center) believe BiPolar disorder go hand in hand. Alcoholism in fact tends to be more common with those who suffer from mania more than depression while those with the more depressive sides of this abuse methamphetamine. Then there are those who sway back and forth equally who tend to abuse both.

For people like my husband, more manic, the alcohol at first helps them maintain a level of "normalcy". They seem to function better and for him, he was more social. He was for most of the time functioning. He never lost his job, got a DUI or called in sick to work. Looking back I could see that during the times he drank less he was more manic, spending and antsy. Sometimes he would get depressed and sneak my pain meds for my gall bladder. At one point I made a comment I thought he was BiPolar like his mother. He said I was, and maybe I am.

In my heart of hearts I knew in some way addiction and mood disorders kind of danced with each other. One would serenade the other and do some sort of tango. I never really looked into it because, I am just a mom, a wife with lost of ideas and no real resources for them. It wasn't until I realized my daughter is BiPolar and my oldest son showed the same tendencies I looked more into it. It makes sense looking at the people in my life who have suffered from the brutal disease of addiction who try to maintain a "normal" mood, or life. My thought it there is only "normal" for you. The insanity of addiction and BiPolar disorder together is a nasty mix. When you can work on the addiction and see the insanity of your moods and work on that, life is much more manageable. That's not to say you won't have episodes where the insanity is more apparent.

I hope this has helped someone besides myself.

Much Love.

Momma

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