A Stranger In My House part 1

There have been strangers in my house, off and on for a year or so. They come in looking like my husband. They walk like him, bippity bopp from the street, they talk like him...no hint of a Texas accent. They even smell like him, yet somehow...they are not quite him.

The first stranger came late last summer and by the time fall came, he had taken over my husband. The drinking and anger was a far cry from the man I had met back in 1994. His words were like fire, torching everyone who dared glance his way. His eyes were now an ice blue, as I am sure it was because his heart was turning cold. Who was this man? Who was this person in bed with me?

He eventually saw something in himself he did not agree with...and decided to drop the bottle..err can. I was afraid it was too late, and wanted nothing more than to disappear from the memories we had made together, well except the children of course. His mind had him spinning, speculating and not trusting. His body wanted a drink, and the end seemed inevitable. Soon after he realized he could not go on much more and I took this stranger to a place, a place where only people who have no grasp on reality go. It was a Sunday in November and not quite cold yet. My whole self was agitated and my heart was sinking. The fall leaves were scattered on the campus of this hospital. We tried to pretend everything was nice, we even took pictures. I occupied my mind is meaningless text and really just wanted to sink into a bowl of self pity. Poor me, living with a person I did not know. When really, it was not about me. It was about this stranger wearing my husbands skin. A stranger saying mean things and accusing everyone of things we had not even thought of.

By the time I was able to leave, I stood on the other side, of secure glass doors wanted to yell "Just come home." I didn't though, again this was for him not me. The long drive home was hard to handle. The sun was going down and the beautiful scenery of back roads, was not enough to warm my heart. I was going home to five kids, and a cold bed.

He was only there a few short days, and I longed for phone calls. I longed for something.....something that was not so strange.

10 Things You Should Know When Your Addict/Alcoholic Comes Home

10 things you should know when your Addict/Alcoholic comes home

1. While they have the same name they are not the same person. A lot has changed both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While you may not see if for awhile, it has occurred. The change can be hard to swallow when you have become accustomed to old behaviors and routines. In reality we should work on on ourselves while they work on themselves.

2. They may easily get bored if they do not return to work; even if they do, in most treatments, they have become accustomed to long, emotionally challenging days. They have told new friends, strangers to us, things they've held in for years, perhaps even lifetimes. They will become bored with mundane things; it’s and adjustment.

3. They can become forgetful or lack a memory that is age appropriate. This is completely normal and frustrating. Yes, for you, but mostly for them. Imagine the embarrassment of forgetting that you've not celebrated anniversaries or you think something that happened yesterday was actually earlier in the day. I've been informed that slowly but surely the memory returns.

4. While they run their steps, they maybe become easily upset or even depressed. Admitting the things they carry is not easy and then sharing them-- that's even harder. However, it's part of the healing and recovery process.

5. Depending on the addiction at some point the addict/alcoholic becomes sugar hungry. While for some people this is early on, for some it can come months later. Just remember they have been filling their bodies with junk for a very long time. I have been told sometimes it passes or sometimes soda or hard candy becomes a substitute.

6. They will try their hardest not to engage in conflict. There is often guilt and shame in facing the people they love and hurt the most. They may even walk away for awhile to get things right.

7. They have formed new and strong friendships. These will be the people they helped and at some point will help him when things of the past sound sweeter than life without the fog. Helping others is a big part of being and staying, clean and sober. It is one of the twelve steps.

8. Life will change in many ways. Finances, living situations, conversations, and family activities may be different. It won't be the party or sloppy nights in front of the TV. They will want life to be lived and loved in new ways--although this may not be immediate.

9. Appearances will change. The face will be more recognizable as the person you once knew. Sometimes the sloppy or revealing clothes will give way to fresh and clean attire. They will learn to care for and love themselves,

10. They are sober, they are clean, and they are healing. They may seem like a child a bit lost in a new world but they will find their way.


Be patient and be kind. Try not to dwell on the past remember, “don’t look back in anger”. Look forward to an exciting new future. Even though this change may seem drastic, if the addict/alcoholic truly has their heart set on recovery, life will be infinitely better.

Love,
Momma

Some Days

Some days we do nothing in particular. Or rather it seems that way. We clean up, rest, read, and play games. This is just every day life around here. It seems things can run more smoothly with jimmy having more time off of work. He's finding his rhythm within the family. Although, I know it's hard with certain people, including myself wanting one on one time. Wanting to get to know him as he is now.

Jimmy still has memory issues, and I am trying to be understanding. It's rough when he can stop mid conversation, walk out of the room and forget we were even talking. I can not say I am saintly, about it. I try my hardest and he has even taken to putting small notes to himself on his iPhone. I love him and am in prayer that it's only a temporary side effect. He doesn't much like it when I remind him of things but, what's the alternative?

Some days are spent in your pajamas trying not to be sad.

Love,

Momma and her tribe

I Became Everything I Hated: My Story of Addiction

When we are young and fresh out of high school we have ideas, great plans of marvelous futures. My plans were to travel the world via the United States Marine Corps. and write novellas and shorts stories along the way. In my head I would be this chic literally in the enlisted ranks. I would travel with my composition book and fountain pen in hand. This unfortunately did not come to pass. I was enlisted in the military with less than a year of active duty service. My composition and book were always at hand but, no great world travels were made. My voyage took me from Southern California to the Carolina's.
When I reached my schooling in November of 1994 I was looking to start a new life, be a new person and leave my past behind. In all honesty, I thought my enlistment made me much more than the life I was escaping and avoiding. Avoiding falling into the traps of my family and the culture that surrounded them. I do love them, I just did not want to end up drug addicted, single with kids and have abusive relationships. In my mind, I was above that and beyond what had become a sad existence in my mind.
I left behind all my hippie and stoner friends in small towns that bordered each other. I left behind everything I had grown to know, love, hate and cherish all at the same time. The Anita of those places was an abused, raped, molested, controlled and not allowed to truly be who she was. This was my time to become the me hidden deep within and no longer be afraid. What I came to find out is that I would be raped twice more, I found the love who would stand be my, that my way of coping came in bottles and just giving in to men. Ashamed, I grew to drink more heavily, alone or sometimes with a friend.

When I was discharged I could not cope. Every bit of the life I had yearned for was ripped out from under me because of bad knees and flat feet. The physical and emotional pain was more than my heart could bear. As soon as I came I looked to escape my mother house. In the mean time and old flame came back into my life and his mental disorders weighed heavy on me. The up and down behavior coupled with my own self pity drew me into the bottle deeper. The the denial of medical care from the VA had me spinning out of control. The pain of walking to and from work almost daily left me few choices, and the one I chose came in a white powder. Nobody close to me knew because, I was so secretive and ashamed I was becoming what I had tried to escape.
One weekend when my roomates were off somewhere I looked in my mirror and thought to myself, I don't want me and nobody else ever will...if I do not change. I was only 19. I showered and changed my clothes. What were my choices, admitting to my family that I had become what they once were, suicide or just going at it alone, like I seemed to do everything else? Suicide was the most comforting thought to me. My roommates were genuinely nice guys, most whom I attended high school with so why put them through the joy of finding me hanging from our stairs. Ashamed, stubborn and broke...I lay naked in my room under a sheet that my skin nearly matched. I let my body sweat and tremble for a few days. I finally got up and showered up clean found a AA meeting in the paper, went a couple times and just decided it wasn't for me. NA same thing. In my mind I did not identify with "those people"....even though at heart I knew I was one.
I beat myself up for year, why the hell would I start any of this knowing what I knew. Addiction is hereditary and I come from the finest of them all. Lucky for me, they had all cleaned up and found Jesus.

A year later I found myself in a physically and mentally abusive relationship, we both were quite nasty to each other. I found myself drinking again and when I felt myself slipping...I would put down the bottle and swore it off forever.
Then I went to North Carolina to be with Jimmy. Occasionally I drank and stopped when we got married. That was not the kind of marriage I wanted, and that was not the mom I wanted to be for Stephanie. So from 1999 til 2010 I only had one or two drinks. In my mind the sufferings of my childhood would play like a slide show and this is what I wanted to avoid for my kids, meanwhile I was married to a daily drinking alcoholic.
There was temptation with drugs, they were all around our complex and readily available had I asked the right person. In 2010 I had had enough of the neglect of being married to an alcoholic and the shame I harbored from it. Talking to an old friend about all the things I had endured and thought I had overcome helped my hand reach for something I thought more classy, wine. I was assured that it was okay and that my husband would partake in a glass or two with me. My mind played the scenario in which I'd be drunk enough to upset my husband and maybe he'd stay sober so the kids would be cared for. This is far from what happened. As it turns out he only wanted me to pass out drunk with him, that never happened.
I saw myself slipping into the green bottle of red wine in an way unbecoming to a lady. I saw the tears of my oldest son when he was upset when he saw me drinking. I had again become everything I hate. The tears brought memories of my childhood....I had become to my kids what my mother was to me.

Love,
Momma

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 4/3

(I know this was supposed to be a three part series...it went into something more.)

Faith is not just an Album by the Cure or a song by George Michaels. The dictionary defines faith as "something believed in with strong conviction." I had that. My faith was so strong and I held on to it. No, I was not religious I was spiritual and had a close bond with the Creator. That bond was forged strong just before the birth of my oldest son and slowly faded away over the last few years.
It went to the way side as I tried to reconcile how after overcoming so much in my youth, I could again be going through so much. If He loved me, why was I hurting in the midst of what should have been a great loving relationship. Didn't He know what I had already endured in my childhood and in my previous relationships? Why would the Creator allow me to attract such broken people if I myself had already been broken so many times? One of my previous relationships was with a schizophrenic who had issues with addiction and another who suffered deep battles of depression. In my heart I knew Jimmy was covering up a multitude of issues but, it fell on deaf ears. His alcoholism was just the icing on the cake, the sweetest part not exactly the core.
When things began to get bad, I just surrendered my faith. After all, prayer and faith did nothing except make things worse. We eventually left our church due to a disagreement and never found a new one. Situations became more tense as eggshells lined the floor of a once loving home. I wondered why would go put me in the home I tried to avoided, why would he allow it. Then I realized I had chosen this.
When Jimmy and I married I knew he was an alcoholic and my choices lead to this life. So, I have nothing to question the Creator about...if He did indeed exist anymore. My heart closed off to what I held so tight and so close for so long.
As Jimmy gets more days sober and comes more into himself, I still question the validity of my faith. If he was indeed healed through his treatment, why is there still so much chaos within himself? He has surrendered fully and yet he is not whole.
I don't know if things will ever be as strong or as fervent as they once were, I know that He has a plan but, at what expense?
I gave up my faith, I gave up a big part of myself and I am waiting for a sign.

Love,
Momma

Do I Know You?

You never know what to expect when you marry someone, the future is uncertain. We all have our ideals, of a life full of joy and ecstasy. Even when we know we are marrying someone who had the disease of addiction. Sometimes you can sense what is hidden beneath all the masks. When the masks are shed and the person who lies beneath comes to surface, it can be hard to swallow. You have known the other person so long, and loved that person and now love starts a new in many aspects. This is not an easy process for the addict nor for his family. You think to yourself "Who is this person?" This happened a lot during the latter part of his recovery when I met people telling me how amazing and awesome he is. Not that I don't think he is, or we would not have married but, I had lost that. When people would say he was a good listener and a good friend I wanted to cry. Again questioning, "Who is this person?" Then I resigned myself to "waiting my turn" to know this person.

He was thinking, "How do I find myself?" While treatment brings out a lot of pain it also bring unexpected joys. Long lost talents and passions resurface. For my alcoholic they are things I have tried to nurture in him, things he pushed aside for a can of beer. Slowly, as the old skins shed and fall to the floor the new skin slowly comes together like a puzzle picture sides down. It's not fast, nor is it easy but....with a little help it can be achieved.

Right now, my husband also known as my alcoholic is in transition. He was able after three days back to work to get two weeks off. He went from an all day social healing experience to mostly solitary work. This gave his mind too much volume. Something that was masked by years of drinking, along with underlying depression. Yesterday, I learned that even though he is 36 years old he is mentally and emotionally 15. His heavy drinking began at 14. He never learned to be a teenager or adult properly.
I do get frustrated because his memory and concentration is that of a much older man. He can not remember many of our past, even recent past conversations. We have been working on communication because, without proper explanation I tend to end up in tears and he ends up frustrated. It's become almost like a parent and child relationship. Me making sure he understands and him thinking I should just know. However, I know he is not my child and is in fact my husband, lover and friend. But, his mind will not function normally for 2-5 years or so it's been said. So a lot of prayer is at hand as well as a lot of patience.

Love,
Momma

reblogged at If Drinking Didn't Kill Me

An Open Letter to Dexter (and Daddy)

Dear Dexter (and Daddy),

First, I want to say how much I love you both. Granted the love of a child and the love of a lover is different, they are both very strong.
When Dexter was born, he was lucky enough that at that time Daddy was sober. He was in what seemed a clear head. I remember when he held you, his first son, his second child in his arms. His eyes glistened and relief was on his face. He vowed to show you a life of love, laughter and everything he thought he was missing. Everything, we thought we were missing growing up.
When we had you, we thought we'd just have you and Stephanie. Doctors had told me when I lost "baby Gavin" that, I could not have kids and so you were that miracle. We watched over you like a hawk or we became "helicopter parents". We were that precious stone I never wanted and all I wanted at the same time. It's no secret up until I was told I could not have kids, I had no desire for them.
We had a song for you when you were a baby....

As they years went on, you wanted to be more like daddy. We had more kids and Daddy spent more time one on one with you. I always had Joaquin and Maggie was a baby. When Daddy started to dress like a cowboy, you did, too. It was the cutest thing ever, despite my dismay for hate with overly curvy bills that reminded me of a baby bonnet.

We did a lot of family things in your early days. As daddy began working more you fought harder to be like him. You listened to the music he liked, read the books he recommended and was happy when he came home. For awhile, it would be days you would not see him. His job at the time had him gone from before sunrise and home well after sunset.

I remember during times of sobriety we'd get into things fast and hard. One of the things was Star Wars costuming. I honestly wish we had not given it up. Those costumes were a common thread that held us together.
You started noticing more, just how much your daddy was drinking. You saw him passing out and vomiting. I tried for years to be strong. I tried not crying over it
and put my focus on you and your siblings. But, it scared me how much you wanted to be like him. Even pretending your rootbeer was beer...and your dad getting mad about it. Wondering why on earth you'd do such a thing.

It's because, you were watching him. You were idealizing a man you thought you wanted to be. A man, you later grew to despise. A man, you would scream and yell at when he'd get a drunk. A man whose beer you'd dump out when he passed out. A man who made your momma cry. A man you already had to babysit if I went somewhere. A man who broke promises. A man who lied. A man despite it all I know you still love.

But, you can't think of the bad things. Yes, you remember them and perhaps on day those memories will fade. But, that person you saw was not your dad in control. That was a man whose disease had taken over. A man whose choice became a need greater than anything else in life. He was "James" not Jimmy during that time. You need to forgive and look ahead at what's to come. He never stopped loving you, he just could not convey it. He brain was taken over and his body and heart suffered greatly.
Who you see now, is that dad you had when we went to Comi-Con. Remember that guy? The guy who laughed and dressed silly? The one who gave you your first guitar and showed you your first chords? The guy who took you to see Buzz Lightyear in person? That's your dad. Remember that, hold on to that and look at him in the eyes and see.


Love,
Momma

Coining Out and A New Beginning

Today, Jimmy "coined out" of his treatment. Most of the time people complete the steps for this before they leave, better insurance I suppose. However, Jimmy made his coining his last day. When I walked into that big room full of familiar and unfamiliar faces I was struck with emotion. Then I looked to the board to see what these people had written about him. To be honest I was a bit taken back. "Who is this guy?" I thought to myself. Don't get me wrong, I know in my heart he is an amazing person...the recent past has proven otherwise.
Each person spoke and most who really took the time to speak to him at some point had remarkable things to speak about him. My heart was sad that I have yet to meet that person but, it was also glad that that person is coming out.
When it got to me, I had to have the counselor, Lisa read my letter. My emotions were already shaken and tearfully nobody would have understood a word of it. This was my letter to him.

"Dearest Jimmy,
Its kind of hard to convey everything we've been through into a short amount of time. We met on a fall day in 1994. We were both young and full of promising lives. Our paths crossed that day on the back of that five ton truck and have never been the same.
I could say it hasn't been a joy but, I'd be lying...mostly. There are been great times and some seriously trying times. I know when we married I was choosing to marry an alcoholic. I was choosing a life I had tried to avoid but, my heart won over my intellect.
We were young and the worries of the world ahead were unknown.
Since we've been together we've given birth to five amazing kids and have lost six angels. Most of our kids are challenged and I know this weighs heavy on your heart. But, I do believe god gave them to us because, he knows our hearts. He knows you care deeply and when you are right in your mind you're a blessing to our children. It takes a great deal of strength to raise children with Autism, epilepsy, Aspergers, bi-polar disorder and then waiting years before some can ever utter a simple "I love you". But, they do. Their love can be seen on there eyes as they race at the sound of the gate to get the first embrace.
The past year was the most trying. There was a loveless desert between us. I know it was hard on you to see me pull away so much at the end. I had to save myself so as to let you go and discover what you needed to do to be whole in your own life. It was a hard and heartbreaking act for me to do. For me to have to behave so selfishly broke me.
I know we've got a great amount of healing ahead of us and a good amount behind us.
. But, I'm here today as your wife and friend to support and love you. I'm here to try and get past all the lies and broken promises if the past as we walk together into the future. Right now I see the man I had the honor of having a glimpse at back in 1994 before the drunken days and nights began.
Love
Anita Ann

"You came from space with a brand new laugh and a different face"
From And it Spread by The Avett Brothers"

There was the sound of tears while it was being read and we looked each other in the eyes. Our life will never be the same.

Jimmy, exchanged his number and email address with quite a few people. This is not the Jimmy I know. It is a good sign of things to come.

He posed for pictures with a few people he had grown close to.

He promised to keep in touch.

He promised to smile more.

He promised to keep working on his steps.

He has hope, love and most of all determination. I have no doubt his heart is in it.

Love,
Momma

Thoughts...

Tomorrow starts a new chapter for us. Jimmy will finish his time at rehab. I think this has brought on an abundance of stress dreams. I have woken up a few nights already after dreaming he is drinking while we are all sleeping. I know part of this is because, we live right by a liquor store. We can literally see it out of our front window.
I do believe his heart at his time. I feel badly that his memory has suffered a great bit. He does not remember so much and. It breaks my heart. I feel badly when I ask him a question about something he has said in the past and he has no recollection.
The biggest thing I am trying to heal from is the lies. They were lies and I did not even know they were. So when he confessed o me that so many little things were lies and big things as well it made me question so much. He had always said "I have no reason to lie, and neither do you." One thing that I had always held on to and many of our friends had admired was our honesty with each other. Just to find out it was mainly one sided really crushed me. No so much what others thought, but how I had been betrayed and fooled for more than half of my life.
For givens is happening but, I am human and have some questions
I can not wait to spend more time with this new Jimmy, the guy all his rehab buddies say is so nice. I honestly have to admit to some jealously that they have begun to know him before me. You can say it's dumb but, I wish I was able to be the one who saw that change and not had to wait so long. I know my time is coming.

The sun sets on the past and I am hoping the bit of anger that lingers goes with it. A new outlook and a new person to fall in love with waits for me, I just hope he loves me as much as he ever has. I know I still love him whoever he is.

Love,
Momma

"Family" Weekend

Jimmy's rehab facility holds these "family" weekend sessions about twice a month. This month it was sprung upon me and I was a bit agitated as he swore he had told me last week. I missed Friday because, the kids were sick. Saturday, we had a reliable caregiver so we went. It was an all day affair.
Needless to say I went in pretty mad. Mainly because the guy running the sessions was supposed to inform me that this was coming up and never did. I got a bit more frustrated when in front of all these people he said I could have brought my kids when he specifically said that "maybe" the oldest would benefeit...it gets worse. On the phone he said he did not deal with children but, could talk with Jimmy and facilitate something with the kids. Now, I know I was angry when we had that phone call. But, not one call back to see how our family was doing during his treatment. When I brought up there was nothing for the kids he said "Remember our first phone call?...I said you could bring down the kids anytime." I held my tongue because, I was there to learn and get over my anger at Jimmy....and this guy was pissing me off. But, because I was around Jimmy's peers and their families...I bit my tongue so hard I nearly swallowed it, Jimmy swears he'll call him out in private.
What I learned? Oh I learned that communication is key and I already knew that. I learned that things should be laid out and not expected to be known...I already knew that. The communication stuff I knew, and Jimmy needed someone other than myself to tell him that. The guy was anxious because, he did not know what to expect from me. Really, I had no idea what to expect from him.
We had a communication exercise that I loved because, he could not interrupt me or dismiss my feelings. I was honest and laughed abit because, I laugh when I am nervous. I held my tears because, I know he does not like to cry and before I could let certain things off my chest, the counselor cut me short and asked me to end on a positive note...which he did to no other family. I already had intention on ending in on one. If I take the counselor guy out of the equation, it was a great day.

Love
Momma

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 3/3

This will actually be 3/4. Number 10 is a big one and may be long. I will be working on it for tomorrow.

7. Community Involvement

Since I was old enough to volunteer and be out in the community I was. I would volunteer and be in community groups. It was honestly out of my comfort zone and even as an adult I would be awkward and out of place....nonetheless I would do it. I was in the recent past involved in a community garden and two other community groups. All except the community garden only took me out of the home once or twice a month. I'd get random comments like "I guess I will stay home with the kids." He knew good and well the kids and him were welcomed to be involved in this programs. I even took Maggie to a couple of the groups meetings. She was a hit. But, over time little comments and faces got to me, I gave in and gave these wonderful things up.
I am planning on rejoining these groups and being involved as much as I can, and hopefully bringing my family a long. Again, these walls house me but, don't make me.

8.Driving Long Distances

This one is a doozy. When I was younger and first had my license I would drive all over the place. I remember being in Kansas and even getting lost on a highway once, quite the treat. When I moved to North Carolina I drove quite a bit as well. In fact I was a driver in the Marines and got to navigate 5 tons on two lane highways in the rain. When we moved to Texas I would drive to the lake when I was pregnant with Dexter by myself just to get away. I would lay and sun soak my growing belly. Life was amazing, I was free.
Little suggestions about driving too far away was dangerous for me, or pointing out that I get tired when I drive...I stopped driving anywhere over an hour away, I tend to get anxiety now. But, no more....adventures await me and I am looking forward to them.

9. Travel

This goes a long with the last one. But, we'd suddenly not have the money for that special trip to Pennsylvania I have planned every year for about 10 years. But, we'd have beer, cigarettes and dip. Such a pain and all I say is...I am packing my bags and ready to go and see the world..or the country.

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 2/3

4. Being a daughter.
When we first ventured to California to live. We lived with my mom and so we spent a great deal of time with her. Every Saturday, I would take my dad lunch at the church he did landscaping at. When we moved over the hill, I would see my mom during the day often because, she works locally. I would still take my dad lunch and even visit him. As the drinking got worse money became tight. Visits even in town were down tremendously. It seems the worse his drinking was, the less either parent would visit...and yet, neither one knew. I would confide in him how hurt I was efforts on their parts were not being made...time and time again he'd urge me to "just let go"...it's obvious that a certain parent did not care for me much. So, tearfully I have done so time and time again.
I am going to be reaching my hand out again, one parent in particular and I have a strained relationship. Once I told my husband being married to him was like being married to that particular parent. Every time I'd think everything was good....something bad was pointed out. The other parent, well works quite a bit and randomly calls and stops by. So, I am going to do the same.

2. Being A Sister
This is a tough one. I was never entirely close to any of my siblings except my oldest brother who is five years my junior. Over the years I have tried to offer support and encouragement for their situations. Offered my ear when they have needed it. Again I would confide in my husband how I felt they were embarrassed of me...again he encouraged me to cut the ties with said siblings I know mist of them think he is an ass or stuck up. But, like my parents none of them knew just how bad his drinking was.
I am going to try and be a better sister. I am going to put myself out there again, knowing it could end up the same. But, like isn't about taking the easy road...well, not for me.

3.Being a friend.
I always thought I was such a horrible friend. I mean at the rate that they pull away from me...I would have to be. Basically, it comes down to this. No longer will I stay just in the walls of my home. There is no reason for me to be made to feel guilty for having that time away. There is no reason on this earth that I should not be able to be the loving, caring friend I once was. Obviously though if I feel you have used or decieved me in some way, I will say something. Real friends should be able to be honest with each other and learn to see, not all of friendship is puppy dogs and ice cream. Real friendship can be ugly at times, and if shit gets heavy....a real friendship should be strong enough to tread through it back to the ice cream and sunshine. Real friendship isn't a one way street, it's arms extending both ways...I will not have that taken away from me.

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 1/3

For the most part these are not things he directly told me I had to do. But, as a friend of mine told me early these things are what addicts and alcoholics do. I wonder though, if they always do it conscientiously. This will be a three part series. I will name the thing I gave up, how it was lead away from me and how I am gaining it back.

1. My independence.
I was once a very independent girl, woman or what have you. I lived on my own and worked at a young age. I joined the military before I graduated and left everything I knew behind without a second thought. Never, asked for help and made sure I could find a way to make my way. I could go and do things alone without a second thought.
Over the years I was slowly lead to believe I could not do much without his help. From doing laundry to cleaning house, from changing a tire to painting walls, it was all things he had to do for me, and complain about it.
I am fighting to get that back. Being co-dependent is a hard habit to break and frankly quite ridiculous.
2. Consistent Creative Writing
This is something I have always loved to do. Ever since I could form a written sentence I would write. From short stories to really bad poetry, I was always writing. For much of my youth and into my early 20's I was known for carrying a notebook and a writing instrument of some sort, recording thoughts and feelings.
I guess over the years I have become weak minded and took too much from little comments. Comments about my grammar and the silliness of such things, scoffs and looks of disappointment on his face, read to me that it was foolish to pursue such things. I think the worse is when a notebook of mine was taken over by him for his own unfinished writings.
Last year I picked it up again at the encouragement of a friend I had reconnected with. I have made a promise to myself to free write and I use my writings for various things. Besides this blog, I write about music and review books, that combines other passions with my passion for writing.
3. Painting
I was never an amazing painter, nor was I ever given a blue ribbon at a fair but, I loved painting. Mostly I did acrylic paintings but, oils is where my heart feels joy. Mixing of colors and texture upon the gritty canvas brought such music and release to my soul. I took this up when I took art at my first high school. I continued on mostly with acrylics after I graduated and even, did some watercolors when I was in the Marines. Color makes me happy, it may sound ridiclous to some, but it's a mood lifter.
I stopped painting quite some time ago for various reasons of my own. A few years back my dad cleaned out the locker in his garage. There were treasures to be found, hidden on the bottom of it water damaged the colors were still vibrant. There they were given to me...canvases from my days as a teenage artist (or so I fancied myself). This brought back some spirit in me, a new kindling of an old love so to speak. I talked my way into an oil set and he bought me it and two small canvases.
I put on some hand me down jeans I cut into shorts, I didn't want oils on my dresses. I closed my eyes and I saw a big lush tree on a moon and starlit hill....I painted it. I spent a few days getting the colors and textures just right. When I was finished I got a blank stare and when I asked to purchase more canvases, I was told money was short...but, we bought beer.
With the new year on the horizon I am going to put money aside for things like this. Not just for me but, for my kids. No need for passions to sit silently in ones heart.


to be continued.....

Love,
Momma

Prepping for a New Year

It's obvious this family has had quite a chaotic year. Between battling addiction, being on tv , getting kids in and out of doctors, hospital visits and wandering hearts...it's a wonder we've managed to stay intact. In reality we have not been a whole family for a year until recently. I felt like I have lost a whole year of family. Oh man, that was really hard to type but, it's reality it is what it is.
I took on the task of cleaning our house, as thorough as I can before the first. Devoting myself to one room at a time while praying over it. This is a test as for some time this year my personal relationship with God has been strained. I felt if God really loved me why would I be put through such things, I should know better. So, I am getting back on track with a few things in regards to that.
I tackled the kitchen as best as I could. My hips and tailbone paid for sure. I ended up in a ho shower later in the evening after dinner. The cold weather and second menstrual cycle in a month has left everything from the waist down riddle with aches and pains. Trying birth control as well as left my stomach and brain a mess. I feel like I have the flu and am so emotional I cry everyday.
I played Barrel of Monkey's with Hezekiah on one cleaning break and we ate lunch outside since the kitchen was our of commission. It was a productive day.

And because I can...



Love,
Momma and her tribe

An Apology for an Affair with Alcohol

Dearest Anita.



I am writing you this letter to clear the air and remove a burden that has been on my heart for many years. When I first met you that cold November day in North Carolina I knew you were someone special. Your smile and the light of your eyes warmed my soul that day and I wanted to tell you how you made me feel, but I couldn’t. I hid away a lot of things that day and in the months and years that followed. I told you right away about my estranged wife and the daughter I left behind in Texas. I told you of my plans I had of being an English teacher after my service in the Marine Corps was over. I only wish now I would have told you then, about my addiction to alcohol, then perhaps we could have saved ourselves from the heartache we are feeling now.

I remember the first night you saw me drink. Someone had purchased several bottles of alcohol for me and I knew I would lose control that night. That is why I asked you to hold on to my wallet. I just didn’t know how bad I would lose control. I am truly sorry that you had to stay up and watch me, to ensure I would not aspirate on my own vomit, that night.

Months rolled past and gradually we lost touch with each other as people sometimes do, but I feel now that the universe had other plans for us. You came back into my life suddenly and again, although we were thousands of miles apart, you lit up my world as only you can do. The letters we shared were magical and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, but I did not give up the love I had for alcohol. The times my letters seemed more and more infrequent I am sorry to say were due to my addiction.

Many nights I would give up the chance to talk to you on the phone, just so I could stay in my room and drink and for those nights where I lost the chance to hear the love in your voice, rather than read it in your words, I am sorry.

Again we lost we lost touch with one another and again the universe would not let us stay apart. I was so nervous the day I picked you up at the bus station. At last after two and a half years we were together again. Your love should have been enough for me to remain sober but I think by that point I was beyond hope. I’m sorry for time I got drunk and told you I didn’t need you. I am sorry for the night my friends and I broke all the dishes in the house while we were drinking. I am sorry that I was drinking when I proposed to you. I am sorry for the nights you wanted me all to yourself and I chose to drink and pass out instead.

I am glad that you and I were married that February day in Texas. I am sorry that I drank on our honeymoon. I am sorry for the nights you had to work and I was passed out when you came home. I regret the nights that I was to drunk to hold you in my arms and show you the love that you deserved.

I don’t know how to say this to you so I will just say it. I have cheated on you for our entire marriage. My mistress, the alcohol that took so many nights away from you, cost me so many things. I have lost your love and trust and now must slowly gain them back. I’m sorry for the nights I spent with her, instead of laying in bed with you and loving you like I have always wanted to. I want you to know that you had no part in my alcoholism other than being on the receiving end of my addiction. Like a teenager in love, I thought about my lover all the time. ALL THE TIME. I can’t take back the past. The things I said that hurt you were to hide the true nature of my alcoholism. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem even though you tried to point it out to me and I am sorry it took almost 13 years of our marriage for me to realize how bad I had become and to seek the help that I am receiving now. I am sorry for all the empty promises I gave you over the years that I would quit drinking, I hope that someday you will be able to see that this time I am serious about quitting and I am sorry it has to be this way but I am doing this for me so that one day I can become the man that you deserve.



I love you more today than I have in all the days that have passed,

Jimmy

Doctors and What Have You...

So, I had to visit my doctor today to get a new birth control pill. It goes against everything I believe in but, my cousin needs a kidney. With how my body works I'd have sex and end up pregnant. Seriously, it goes miscarriage then baby....I had a miscarriage in February. The NP thought I had my kids young but, she quickly realized I am 35. The lady at the counter wanted to schedule a mammogram. She quickly realized I am only 35, most patients are much older. So, I look young and look old all at once....GO ME!

The pill I was on gave me chest pains, and I am still having them. I had to get half naked and get and EKG. Why did I feel more exposed with my shirt off than when I have my PAP?

I made a nice ham dinner. I figure one or two really nice dinners a week make for good family memories. What smells better than a nice ham cooking? Okay, maybe some pies.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I am really unsure of the group. Maybe had the group leader explained how things worked I would have been so irritated. Also, I find things contradictory. Perhaps, I'd rather blog about it or talk to a friend than a group of people I don't know. We shall see. I honestly do not feel like crying any more. I'd rather dance or go shoot a gun.

Tomorrow Joaquin has a long lab. We are spending way too much time at the doctors lately. I hope it ends soon.

Love and Peace,
Momma and her tribe

10 Lies Told To Me by My Alcoholic

I asked him to send me 10 lies he told me because of his drinking, err alcoholism. He obliged since he was working on a similar assignment for his treatment. There is so much that I am trying to healing from this all, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to rebuild what little self-esteem I had.

"I don't want to rub your back because I don't like the way your skin feels" (I'd rather stay out here and drink)

"I don't want to hold your hand" (I'm thinking about getting drunk)

"I don't think we can afford to go to the beach" (I need money for alcohol)

"I don't have a problem with alcohol" (I did. I just didn't know it at the time)

"I want to quit drinking. (Last year I did not want to quit drinking. I just told you I did to make you happy)

"I don't have the money to fix the car" (I did, but then it would have taken away money to drink with)

"I will finish painting the kitchen" (No I won't it would take away time from drinking)

"I don't like you with short hair" (You look beautiful with long or short hair. You had been complaining about my drinking and I want to get back at you)

"Isn't that kind of vain, taking all these pictures?" (It wasn't. I was envious of your self esteem because I don't have any)

"I don't want to go to you're family function. I don't like so and so." (I'd rather stay home and drink.)


These things hit me pretty hard. But, I needed to know them. I know my self-esteem and self-worth should not rely on what other say to me or think of me, but, when you love someone and give them so much of your self....it happens. So now, it's time to heal these wounds and move on.

a

10 Truths About Living with My Alcoholic

A quick note before you read: Jimmy has given me permission to divulge this information. Nobody has heard any of this outside of my best friend and some of it Jimmy.

1. I never wanted to marry an addict of any sort, yet I went in knowing he was thinking foolishly my love would be enough.
   
2. I could never do anything right, and when I thought I had...something new is wrong.
3. Beer money was priority of any activity and sometimes even the rent.
4. People thought I was controlling when in fact I was the one being controlled.
5. Foolishly I enabled him so I would not have to hear his mouth.
6. His paranoia was so bad, he is no longer living under my roof.
7. He destroyed friendships and other relationships, sometimes I think purposely.
8. He hid things so well outside of our walls that, people still think I am over reacting.
9. My children have suffered, mostly the oldest and the girl child.
10. The house is more peaceful without him here, sadly.