Ugh! It Has To Get Better

My mom brought over Hezzies birthday gifts today. He wasn't thrilled with the Batman pajamas, yet he is wearing them all day. He got these cool cars called Flip Force. They are pretty awesome.
Jimmy has been grouchy and overwhelmed with everything. Although, I have tried to make it easy. I am trying to make it to where he only had to sweep and mop when he gets home, and maybe make dinner. It's not enough though. Well, that's how I feel. When he cycles it's right on me. I wish he'd have time for meetings or something. I am worried the stress will make him just not come home one day. If that happens, I'll deal. I won't be happy, but I will deal.
I do not expect people to feel sorry for me, or hate my husband. I'm
just frustrated. I am not supposed to do anything. I still do some things though. I hate not being able to have sex. This is when I think a Devi d wife would come in handy for Jimmy or a surrogate.
I am over these women on boards saying that if they can't get satisfied why should their man be able to? How about to stabilize their mood, maybe it's just me. A mothers helper would be great. Or a giant nanny dog that makes sure they don't make messes.
The kids ES for school is on my last nerve. She doesn't call, I'm constantly calling her to get answers. Frustrating and I may just withdrawal them, and let Dexter enroll next year.
On a good not, I'm not behind on laundry. The kids bring it to me, I sort it out and hang thing on hangers. They put it away. The house is cleans d my animals seem happy. Tomorrow I have a friend coming over to visit. My first real visitor. Just to visit. Yes, I'm starved for adult interaction.


I'll learn to be happy in my circumstance.

Love,
Momma

How a Blog Made Me Cry

Randomly I was reading different Facebook pages. I came upon a link for this article. As I read the blog post not only did I see so much of my darling Maggie, I saw so so much of me. Me as a little girl, as a tween, as a teenager and even me as an adult.
I continued reading more of the blog. I came upon this list, I love lists. I came down to number nine and just sank. My heart sank into a million little pieces. Reading that along with section E. # 1 from the previous article, and I literally lay on my couch and let me heart sink further. Laying there and I was almost in tears. Little snippets of friends who have come and gone, the time invested in these friendships, and the amount of my heart I put into them .... for people just to walk away.
For most of my life I thought I "needed" a large extended group of friend, or a small close knit group. I even tried getting these friends to mingle with each other. All failed attempts at mimicking a part of my parents lives. They are all pretty social beings. Growing up they had friends, all kinds of friends. I thought that is what normal people had, friends around all the time. Turns out that is not my lot in life. I have learned to enjoy what I have.
In real world social situations, including with family I often feel outside of myself. Life there is no appropriate place for me to fit. Sometimes I will latch on to someone I am familiar with if my husband is not with me, or I just sit and watch people. I have learned some ways to deal with it, and sometimes when I compare, I let it get to me.
I will end this post now, it's become a lot....one "friend" once told me..."We can't be friends anymore, you are painfully loyal." Are you as baffled as I am.

Love,
Momma

10 Things I Gave Up Being Married to an Alcoholic Part 2/3

4. Being a daughter.
When we first ventured to California to live. We lived with my mom and so we spent a great deal of time with her. Every Saturday, I would take my dad lunch at the church he did landscaping at. When we moved over the hill, I would see my mom during the day often because, she works locally. I would still take my dad lunch and even visit him. As the drinking got worse money became tight. Visits even in town were down tremendously. It seems the worse his drinking was, the less either parent would visit...and yet, neither one knew. I would confide in him how hurt I was efforts on their parts were not being made...time and time again he'd urge me to "just let go"...it's obvious that a certain parent did not care for me much. So, tearfully I have done so time and time again.
I am going to be reaching my hand out again, one parent in particular and I have a strained relationship. Once I told my husband being married to him was like being married to that particular parent. Every time I'd think everything was good....something bad was pointed out. The other parent, well works quite a bit and randomly calls and stops by. So, I am going to do the same.

2. Being A Sister
This is a tough one. I was never entirely close to any of my siblings except my oldest brother who is five years my junior. Over the years I have tried to offer support and encouragement for their situations. Offered my ear when they have needed it. Again I would confide in my husband how I felt they were embarrassed of me...again he encouraged me to cut the ties with said siblings I know mist of them think he is an ass or stuck up. But, like my parents none of them knew just how bad his drinking was.
I am going to try and be a better sister. I am going to put myself out there again, knowing it could end up the same. But, like isn't about taking the easy road...well, not for me.

3.Being a friend.
I always thought I was such a horrible friend. I mean at the rate that they pull away from me...I would have to be. Basically, it comes down to this. No longer will I stay just in the walls of my home. There is no reason for me to be made to feel guilty for having that time away. There is no reason on this earth that I should not be able to be the loving, caring friend I once was. Obviously though if I feel you have used or decieved me in some way, I will say something. Real friends should be able to be honest with each other and learn to see, not all of friendship is puppy dogs and ice cream. Real friendship can be ugly at times, and if shit gets heavy....a real friendship should be strong enough to tread through it back to the ice cream and sunshine. Real friendship isn't a one way street, it's arms extending both ways...I will not have that taken away from me.

Oh, What a Christmas!

Dexter and his Mario Bros. pajamas.



Joaquin and his Batman pajamas



Maggie and her Ni hao Kai Lan pajamas.



Waylon and his Buzz Lightyear pajamas.



Hezekiah and his Buzz Lightyear pajamas.

This turned out to be a good Christmas for the kids after all. The kids were able to have their Christmas Eve pajamas thanks to my friend Stephanie. They were so happy to see them when they were unwrapped. What can I say, we are blessed. My mother and sister Charlotte each got them a gift which was wonderful.
Earlier in the week Jimmy's parents sent money for gifts and such. We were able to get them a few more gifts than I had already purchased plus, stockings and stuffers...paper and what not. With all that had gone on this month I was unsure of what we'd have under the tree. But, I had put some money aside had some things made and hit K-Mart sales myself. One item was part of a bag of things a friend had given me. Such small blessings make for good memories.
We had a ham dinner with the fixings. Dairy free and gluten free except for the rolls. Trying to make things easy for Joaquin.
I've been in a great deal of physical pain and spent most of my day in bed. Jimmy made dinner and looked after the kids. He made a volcano with Waylon, played games and Polly Pockets. Christmas is about family and I am blessed to have a growing one that does not always include blood relation.

Merry Christmas,
Momma and her tribe